Faryal,
Thank you for your response. I need to ask, why is it that in order for something to make you happy it has to do with physical activity? So far, everyone I have received suggestions from seems to think that this is the case. I for one enjoy sleeping and doing nothing. I do way too much in a day to get any actual enjoyment out of physical activity, (aside from sex and I can't go doing that all the time, now, can I?)
The feeling of alive occurs every morning when I drag myself out of bed, get ready for work, go to work or the myriad of medical appointments for myself, my husband and my children, and continues throughout the day until I fall into bed and cry myself to sleep at night. I don't look forward to any one thing in particular just "being" is what I have at this point.
I do have alot of anger over all of the issues surrounding my life, so yeah, being alive is not fun and there is not much that makes me truly happy at this point. I do find some enjoyment playing mario party with my family but then again that gets shot down because it is "not healthy" and then I feel bad for feeling good. Big cycle for me, what makes me feels good, makes me feel bad. What is "supposed" to make me feel good makes me feel bad. Feeling bad makes me feel bad. Not pleasing everyone makes me feel bad, not pleasing myself makes me feel bad, doing everything for everyone makes me feel bad, doing very little for everyone makes me feel bad. Doing things for myself makes me feel bad.
My one true goal is to stop the negative thinking. It is a big goal. Every time something new comes up, I say to myself, I will try not to let my previous experience drag me down to thinking negatively. This doesn't always work but hey, at least it is a start. The obstacle to accomplishing my goals is myself and I will have to figure out a way that works for me (not a study, not a commercial, not the "majority rules") to accomplish this.
Thank you for your thoughts.