hey batty,
they keep editing my posts...guess i'm getting too dark. not trying to push you away, just not thinking very clearly. what caused it? who knows. a lot of things, nothing, a series of little hurdles that in and of themselves are inconsequential but one on top of the other make a mountain.
my doc tried so hard to get me to fight, couldn't, nothing left in me to fight with. too many things to fix. i just can't do it.
do you know the song Iris by Goo Goo Dolls? second verse.
doc says i'm so needy, so dependent on the validation of others. i don't feel like i ask for so much, just to know that i matter. he told me i matter to him in the only way i can. i understand the boundaries. isn't it sad that my best friend is someone i have to pay to listen to me? my decision he said but he doesn't want me to go and that's all i want to do.
friday...felt like i don't matter to anyone not even me...couldn't finish it because i had promised my doc to talk to him one more time first. but had to do something. hated myself so much.
but see, i don't want to bring anyone else down with me. don't want to hurt anyone else. don't want you to worry about me.
good you have a plan for leaving your job, gives you time to prepare for something better. another song i like -- Closing Time by Semisonic...there's a line in it "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
people do get better. they do. just don't know if i have anything left. you can get better. you can, i know, because you reach out. keep reaching out, don't give up.
i sppreciate that you care. keep caring. the less you focus inward the better. it's a trap to always be inside your head. it's hard to get out. like a black hole in your heart, it just keeps sucking you down and you can't get away. so stay away from it. turn your back on it and look outward, upward.
talked to my husband. he says he didn't know how bad it was. where has he been for the last 23 years? or at least the last ten? how many times do i have to say it?
enough of this. still here. kendy
