friday night was bad. had a big episode and am still reeling. i have an appointment today so we'll see. still have to make the big choice. trite i know but hang in there. don't give up.

kendy how are you doing? i havent been on too too much. ive been a lil tired. remember how i talked about my job and how much i hate it? well ive decided to leave. after 9 years i am leaving. but i need to stay one more year to get my full tenior. i am fully vested in the company stock program and when i leave i should get enough money to pay off my car. so now car payment. i just got the car a month ago, so to pay if off would be great. i got in a huge agrument with my boss...jerk that he is. it sent me into a four day manic episode. (the stress of it) i was soooooo irritated and it showed. i stayed away from the site coz i didnt want to vent my anger and spoon feed it to others. i am coming down a bit now. i feel a lil relief knowing i am leaving this behind. i just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing. and check on what now too. you two i talk to so i worry about most. well...hope you are ok. i know you have been so down lately. remember i am here for you. ok? hugs

Amen to that!!! I think it would be easier to just type up my psychiatric diagnosis "resume" make copies and hand them out to every healthcare provider I have to encounter!!! After years of this, I feel like I need to escape from myself!!! I guess that's why I need the help! HAHAH!! I have been on prozac 40mg daily & Ativan 1mg twice daily/prn. for almost 5 years now. It has definitely helped!! It took almost 15 years of my silent suffering and obvious psychotic episodes, for the right combination of meds & therapy. Thank God!!! I don't think I was gonna make it this last time!! I am an incest survivor, started getting diagnosed with everything under the sun at 8 yrs. old!! Therapy is hard, but it's necessary in order to survive & heal!!! At least that's how I feel now! Daisy :)

Batty?

My diagnosis is chronic recurrent major depression so I cycle from a neutral state of mind to severe depression. I also have generalized anxiety disorder with a secondary diagnosis of dysthemia (constant low-level depression). I never get the high highs. My moments of truly feeling happy are fleeting and very short-lived. I'm glad that you're distancing yourself from the big S. Maybe you can flip that switch where it just is no longer an option for you. I guess that's when people are truly able to move forward. I'm just very tired. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of having no confidence. Tired of despising myself. Tired of white-knuckling through the bad times. Tired of not truly being able to enjoy the good moments because I'm always afraid it won't last. I feel so old, too old. I'm tired of going through the motions, of pretending like anything is ever going to change. I just don't know how much fight I have left in me. I'm so sorry Batty.

kendy u tooooooootally described how i feel. and in a twisted sort of way i feel sooooooo much better. i am not alone. someone else feels this way and someone else "gets" it. ya know? thank u so much. u have no idea how much u just helped me. i dont feel crazy...it IS a chemical thing. i dont make it up and its not a habit. i just happens. kendy...i worry about u with the way u talk to. i am so worried that one day u will be feeling so badly or that u wont feel strong one day and u will do something damaging. for me, honestly, latley i have felt distant from suicide. which is a huge big deal. ive just been so frustrated since the test was done. im sure for people with just PTSD it works fine but i have other obsticles. do u think we are limited because of our "illness"? do you have fears that you battle with because of being depressed? im so curious now as to how people feel. reeeeally feel. you know i have my ups and downs. i know you can relate. you are depressed correct? not bipolar or anything else? i wonder if you have it worse than i do since you only have your downs. any thoughts to share?

It comes out of left field. I can be having a very good day and then a wave will wash over me that seems to rip away the veneer of normality. Nothing has to happen at all. Sometimes I can identify a trigger but other times it just seems to come out of nowhere. There have been times when talking to my therapist will uncover something that I was not even aware of but other times he and I both agree that it is just biochemical and part of the cycling I do. It's the blindsiding that hardest to take. It makes me feel like I won't ever be safe. Every time I ride it out I feel more and more drained. It makes me feel like I can't ever let down my guard because when I do, that's when it attacks. Isn't it weird how I talk about it as if it were something outside of myself? It's part of me. Part of who I am. Sometimes I think about evolution, you know survival of the fittest. Maybe these feelings I have are to keep me from further polluting the human gene pool. If I've given this thing to my son I don't know if I will ever be able to live with it. Sometimes I wonder "what horrible thing did I do to deserve this?" When my son calls and he's down in the dumps, my heart breaks and I wonder if I am going to be further punished by having to watch him suffer. How do you deal with a physical illness that affects the way you think? How do you rationalize it away when you can't even trust that what you think or see is accurate? Maybe I'm just making myself crazier than I already am.

kendy my first response was a mouth wide open. i cant believe he said that to u!! maybe its just the mood im in i dont know but i take offense to that and to what my tdoc said. im not depressed out of habit...that i know without a doubt. and i know this because it just comes out of nowhere and hits me. yes sometimes its a build up of things, bad things, sad things, but for the most part for me it just hits me. what about u??? im curious how you feel when u get depressed. is it a build up or does it just come on for u too. im curious from everyone. any thougths...anyone????

Hey Batty, Boy can I relate. My therapist has been telling me for weeks now that I am "stuck". He's patient and kind and single-minded. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he wonders if I am able to recognize when I'm NOT depressed. At the last session when I told him I was feeling lousy he looked puzzled and told me that his impression was that I was actually in a pretty good mood and that maybe I was so out-of-touch with "normal" that I don't recognize it when it comes. To which I told him if this is normal then I definitely don't want to be normal. But he's right about one thing, I am stuck. I need to resolve "the issue" once and for all and either take care of it or remove it as an option. (I'm trying to be careful not to use any "trigger" words.) He says that having that "escape clause" is keeping me from looking forward and getting on with my life. I mean, why worry about the future if there isn't going to be one. I think he's right. I think I need to make the decision. Either I'm going to be here or I'm not. And if I am, then I have to start figuring out how I'm going to make my life bearable. And if I'm not, I'm not. My problem with men is a little different. I have a very kind husband who is supportive and thoughtful and absolutely no help at all. He says "tell me what I can do". I tell him if I knew that, I could do it for myself. Most of the time he just pretends like there's nothing wrong with me. He much happier when I just keep my mouth shut and hold it all in. He always listens but it's kind of like talking to a wall. It's not his fault. He just absolutely no clue about what I'm feeling or what what he can do to help. It's lonely being alone but it's also incredibly lonely to live with someone who spends as much time as possible in another room, anywhere where you aren't. I feel like a burden which just adds to the guilt I feel. So, you aren't alone. I honestly don't think that even a psychologist can understand this illness completely unless they've felt it themselves. I had an argument with my doc about that very thing. He said, "then are you saying a man can't deliver a baby because he doesn't know how it feels to be in labor?" No, I answered, of course he can but he will never know exactly what it

ok, i did the EMDR. i dont think it helped. in fact i think it made me more frustrated than i already am. my tdoc said that she thinks some of my behaviors might be habital. (insert four letter word here) NOT AT ALL. i will admit some might be but the darkenss that seems to follow me isn't. right now i am so sick of explaining myself to people. always wanting to know how i am if im taking my meds and going to my drs. of course i am. im tired of being in therapy and frustrated that i still am depressed even with meds. i will say, the rage i used to feel is better now that i am on meds. i only self hate now. i havent cut in almost 5 months. thats gotta mean something. ya know, i get all the connections of the molestation. i get it all. i know why i do and act the way i do. i know why i hate myself so much. coz im fat. and i know i keep myself fat to protect myself from being hurt by men. i know its a cylce. and i know that is related to the ptsd but none of that accounts for being deeply sad for no reason. i will be fine and then just BAM! start crying for no reason. that is chemical...it is. i cant control that. i cant. all i can do is hang on and let it pass, which it does. thats one more thing for meds....i know it will pass as before it was impending doom all the time. the end all be all. i am ill. i have a mental illness that isnt curable only treatable and im sick of people not understanding that. im just frustrated...the test didnt help. it just pushed me further away from therapy. i really just want to be left alone....or part of me. ive decided to be celebate from now on. no more men. they are liars and gamers and i want no part. ive built walls and they work so why not keep them. why not? i dont like convenient stores and im afraid of unfamiliar places and scared of people i dont know. why do i have to face all that? cant it just be a limitation that doesnt have to make me a victim all the time? i just dont know anymore. im questioning everything. but im back to post. im sorry i havent been around. if anyone wants to know further about the test i will explain. but if not...its over and done and im not doing it again. so....deep breath...i give up. i am what i am and this illness is what it is. simple.