I don't normally get cravings to drink, for which I'm thankful, but when I do, my mind immediately starts planning a relapase. I hate it. I got one last night. I was tired and hot from packing all day in the heat, but the end is in sight, so I wanted to do something to reward myself for getting through the downsizing and packing. Naturally I think having a few drinks would be a great reward. Aug. 1 is the day the moving will all be over. It is coincedentally the day I get to start keeping my meds in my room and managing them myself, as opposed to having to go to the staff office to take them. So I immediately think, I could stop taking my Antabuse Aug. 2, and in a couple of days I'd be ok to drink. I'd just buy a small bottle, enough to have a couple of drinks a night in my room, for a couple of nights. I even figured out where I'd hide the bottle, in with my wool supply. And nobody would have to know.
Yeah right. I haven't stopped at a couple of drinks for a couple of days in the last decade, if I picked up a drink it would be the start of a serious binge, which I probably wouldn't be able to hide and I'd risk losing my housing. Plus I'm just starting to get my life turned around with going back to school in the fall and I don't want to screw that up. plus I generally like being sober. And I don't want to have to start over at day 1 again. So I have a slew of logical reasons why drinking would be spectacularly stupid, yet there I was last night planning a relapse.
Needless to say I'm not going to relapse, I find telling on the impulse keeps me on track. Once the move is over, I'm going to start going back to meetings 3 times a week at my rehab, plus make sure I'm staying active in AA.
It's just frustrating. I wish I wouldn't have to deal with these thoughts.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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