I agree, I think your husband should be your best friend first. True love, the most important type, is also a giving thing, not a selfish thing.

thanks to you all you have really helped and ive just had two weeks off and i feel like me again but the doubt is still there... I know i am not 100% better yet and things will try me and things like that but i am a lot more sure of myself and my decisions now. Keep telling myself i will feel 100% sure at some point but its so awfull in a way that i have to learn or think how to love him properly the way that he needs. Im a typical aquarian and my partners need to be the best friend in the world to me and the soul mate and sometimes he gets angry at the fact that i treat him more like a friend then anything else but he cant seem to understand that he will always be a friend to me before anything else and i have always stood by that, how can you be in love if youre not friends? am i being too cyncial or silly about this? Its my nature and i cant really do a thing to change that

Starr, It is good to write things down. Many members have expressed the releive and relaxation they feel once they have written down their feelings. You need to see a doctor or therapist for the cutting. It is not good for you, and may get worse. Perhaps bring your journal or diary to your appointments and take our test. This may better help assess the situation. We are always here to support and listen, Josie ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team.

Yah, and I'm wondering if this is all part of Major Depression? I have been married since I was 22, and feel I made a good choice, however, there are times when I wonder and I think I have fallen in love with other men about 6 or 7 times during our 24 years of marriage. I'm never sure if it's love, obsession, or depression. I often feel confused and lonely. I have never been unfaithful and don't plan to be because I don't think breaking my own moral rules would make me feel happier, but there is a seemingly constant struggle between my conscious/practical/ethical and subconscious dream state kind of a mind I find myself in, especially when I am left alone and he is working, or even worse, if he is out with a guy playing pool. I went through a terrible time about ten years ago when he went out playing pool almost every night. Even though I cried and screamed and finally threatened to report him to others who could counsel him, when we actually saw a shrink together, I could not spit it out, and the shrink got mad at me and gave up. He finally did slow down on the playing, but now I have terrible fears whenever he is out late at night that he is doing it again. And on occassion he has done it and told me of it later. It seems he became addicted to pool around the same time that I had obsessive thoughts about the same guy. That guy used to call me up and talk for hours, and Starr, he used to cut himself too. Finally I told him not to call anymore, crying as I broke off telephone relationship with him. Not long after he had an affair with my girlfriend, and they eventually got married and had children. We have moved to a different country, but the trauma of that whole thing is still with me. But now there are other people, and I keep thinking that my whole life may end up a series of episodes of unrequited love or obsessive/imaginative/unreal love feelings for other men. It depresses me terribly. I don't know what the answer is. I can relate to your problems in a way, although since you are not married, maybe you should not go through with it if in doubt. I had some doubts when I married also, and now I always wonder if I made a mistake. Because these feelings keep on coming as the years go by. But I don't cut. I do eat to the point that I am

Hey Starr. I've read your posts on this particular thread, but haven't seen any others. I wish I knew what to tell you, anything that would put your mind at ease, but I can't even get my own life in order. I did see though that you were having some reservations in terms of your approaching marriage plans with your partner, and I guess I can say one thing that can be of help. Always trust your gut instincts, what you feel instantly when the subject arrises, not after you've over-analyzed. I'm not gonna act like I can practice what I preach, but I know alot of people who would tell you that if your gut feeling is that it would be a bad idea, it probably is. If your first thought when the subject comes up is that you shouldn't, then maybe you could explore your options for at least putting those plans on hold. Much love and best wishes to you.

Thanks for the advice i feel like im stuck, mind my partner eased a little pressure off me last night saying we shouldnt get married till im better. I dont think he realises im not going to get rid of this it will always be there but still .... Im feeling the pressures of life a lot more now and i feel like the little progress i have made has been for nothing because i am back to square one again. My sex life has gone and my partner just keeps on and on at me till i give in and any little enjoyment i got from things like painting and stuff isnt there any more because i simply cannot do them any more and its driving me mad. Im cutting more then ever now and i feel so good when i do it its getting harder for me to stop. Im not sure what im trying to get out but i need to put these things down somewhere. Starr

Starr, I know what you are going through. I have been with my partner for 13 years and I still don't know if he is right. I am in the process of moving out for a separation to see how I feel being all by myself. I often wonder "what if" I was with someone else. Would I be a happier well rounded person? I guess that is what life is all about, the what if's. My suggestion is that you should really think about what you want before you continue on any further. Don't get to be like me and have 13 years of your life pass by and you are still wondering. My main reason for not leaving was because I didn't want to hurt him. How do you explain that you don't know if you don't love him anymore, especially after all these years? Also, the fact that you bumped into this old flame makes you feel even more confused inside. You probably like the attention and feel good that someone else remembered you. It's ok to have feelings for more than one person (IMHO). Now, you just need to decided what you want. Don't think about what your BF or EX want, think about you. Put yourself in position #1 and treat yourself like #1. You are so young, go out and live life to the fullest while you can. K

Thanks Kenny, I hope you had a good new year. Mine was terrible as if im not confised enough i started my new medication and im constantly tired and irritable wana be left a lone and my partner wont even though i have asked. On top of this my boss saw all the cuts down my arm and kept questioning me which isnt what i need right now and i dont know how im gona face her later this morning. But this is the worst i found out that my partner had kissed his ex girlfriend when we were both in the same club the weekend.I was ready to chuck him out and everything but he convinced me that it was her who tried it on with him. I cant help it it keeps playing on my mind. I shudder every time he touches me and im hurting so much inside. I want to get away from my situation but i cant,we rented a place and the contracts not up and money etc etc plus the fact he asked me i forgive him i said yes and now i wished i had gone in all guns blazing at him or something and this happened wih my dad when he left i was calm when i should have been really really mad. The **** that he gives me for my exes is unbelievable even if they text me and i dont reply...yet he kissed his and made out like i was really stupid for thinking anything of it. I hate my self and my life and my partner and my situation and everything right now, supposed to be getting married in august this year but why do i have the feeling its one of the worst things i could possibly do??? Ive lost my hope and esteem and everything just dont want to go on with things im trying to grin and bear it for the sake of everyone else because in my mind im a free spirit and thats truly what i want. I cant sit and talk to him now beacsue as far as he is concerned its all over and done with. Starr Edited on 1/4/2005 @ 10:21:37 AM by The Support Team

My experiences in dealing with relationship issues is that in as difficult as it is to resolve issues amongst the two partners, I have found it yet even more difficult to resolve amongst three. I suggest you first come to conclusions as to your current partner prior to confusing with perhaps a situation that is no more than a, "red herring". Having followed your writings on this site and knowing how sweet and caring a person you are I do have imaginations here that you are dealing with some rather complex issues that would be difficult for me to address. However, knowing your keen abilities as to perceptions and problem solving I am fully confident that in very short order you will be in the process of figuiring this out. I do feel for you and look forward to your keeping us tuned into your feelings here and my regret is that you are feeling as you express during the Holiday Season and I do have full confidence in that you will figuire this out I am sure in short order. I wish I had more constructive sugggestions here but my thoughts are so speculative in nature at this point that I am a better listener perhaps than advice giver at this point. If it is any consolation - my thoughts are with you as yours were with me during my times of posting messages of my distress. I do look forward and I hope you are making the best you can of the Holiday Season. Kenny

Well xmas was awfull i dont wana go through that again,my partner has been a real A hole about it and he knows or is supposed to know what im going through. On xmas eve i bumped into a very good and dear old friend of mine and he said he wished he was with me instead of his partner, wished i had my life i said to him he already has becase im so confused i dont know if i am in the right relationship and i keep pushing my partner away. We sat and talked as we did have a bit of a thing going once and we both said how different our lives couldve been, all i keep thinking now is about him and about how this was never ever the life i intended for myself but you cant change your whole life. I keep on thinking if i just put up with it i will love him someday and forget about everything else but im 21 and it seems wrong. i do love my partner and maybe i am just day dreamin but sometimes i feel like i dont love him enough? Has anyone else gone through this because im having a real hard time Edited on 12/29/2004 @ 10:03:37 AM by The Support Team