I have been hiding my panic attacks since I was 13. Even my mother didn't know (I let her think they were asthma attacks when on a weekend vacation I had them continuously for the entire two days). My father passed away christmas eve 2005 suddenly, and since then the panic has been increasingly worse, and harder to hide. For the last month, its been to the point I can barely leave the house..and thats only if I'm not in the car. I am basically housebound at 25 years old. Even the people who know I get panic attacks or that I'm a nervous type, don't realize I'm agoraphobic. Its now to the point its getting harder to explain why I am not going anywhere. I have had perfect opportunities to tell people, but I just can't do it.
I told my mother last week out of desperation(it was thanksgiving weekend), but I still don't think she really understands the extent of it. Then I spent the rest of the week regretting telling her, worried that she would tell the entire family or throw it back in my face at some point. I even told her, all those "asthma attacks" were panic attacks. She hasn't said anything more about it since(she moved away when Dad died, but talks to me via messenger.)
I feel so deeply ashamed and worried of what people are going to think, or if I tell them will I regret it forever. I'm worried its going to make me feel even worse. I battled depression years ago, and some people honestly made it a thousand times worse, to the point I wished I hadn't said anything, its why I am struggling so badly right now.
This week I'm dealing with almost constant anxiety...before it was just panic attacks, but now its 75% of the time. My friends are beginning to wonder what is going on since I was avoiding them in case they asked me point blank or wanted me to go out; my memory and concentration is shot, and after two weeks of insomnia now all I want to do is sleep. I just saw my doctor about this last Friday, and I just started week 2 of the Program. Sorry this is so long, I guess I needed to vent...and I wish I didn't have to lie and make excuse anymore, any suggestions please?!
