Well, I slipped. Somewhere during the day yesterday It dawned on me to drink. I know exactly when. I am to hungover to go through the details right now. I called in sick today for work. I have 50$ left for the next two weeks. I got drunk went gambling, and as usual I am broke again. Just for the Casino it cost me $100 there and back by Cab. It is funny though. I don't feel bad. It feels like home. Like an old pair of slippers. All my plans for the long weekend went out the window. It just feels right sometimes to be down here. I have been drunk, and broke all my life. Changing is good, but it is different, and I hate change. I don't know. I hungover. I guess by this afternoon. It will hit me. The question I am asking myself right now is WHY. I didn't really want a drink. If I go by Allen carr's book, I just drank to give alcohol what it wanted. I didn't want alcohol for the obvious reason's, but my alcoholic mind needed it's dose of alcohol, and I gave in to it. It did not brink me nothing, absolutely nothing. Just the opposite it just tore everything apart. I have nothing left, again. I am again stuck this long weekend with nothing, but $50.00 for groceries, outings etc. AS opposed to the weekend I had planned for myself. All of this for a dose of alcohol. Its a hell of a thing alcohol. If you give in to it , it will destroy everything you have, and while your on it you think your having a great time. Now that is fantastic Illusion. Now the question is is this a slip, or a full blown relapse? This is it. Do I have another drink, or do I continue on my path. I can not believe I am actually thinking about this. Do I destroy myself, or do I have a good life. People would say it's a no brainer. All of this for a drop of alcohol (poison). But I have seen the light though from not drinking for a month, and drinking one night, that it really, really, really did not do anything, but take what life I had and destroyed it. In 5 hours. Plus a hangover. and yet I am fighting to not do it again tonight. With only $50.00 dollars. Get drunk, or by a loaf of bread. Are you kidding me! Right now as I am waking up. I am getting madder, and madder. Damn! Well I guess it's back to the drawing board. Well that's it for now. I off to enjoy my long weekend at home broke, and depressed, but life goes. I guess the only good thing is I really saw what alcohol is. DESTRUCTION, TOTAL DESTRUCTION, and while you are destrying your like, you think you are having fun. What a grand illusion.
