Hi Dave. I am aware of what I need to I just need to do it. I really just need to let myself feel what I'm feeling and learn how to be okay with it. As soon as I start to feel excited, or proud I stop myself before I can get hurt. Same with if I am getting g too upset or anxious I turn to booze. As far as being assertive not so much. I used to be and I can be again, I just need to get my confidence back and trust myself in that what I'm doing is right for me and I'm not doing it for everyone else. I don't know if that makes sense I am still in a bit of a haze when it comes to thinking clearly but the days are getting better. I keep telling myself to focus on the here and now and how I'm feeling at one time instead of anticipating the future. Thanks again :)
The suggestions in my last post were meant for you as well. I have a question for both you and Kez.....how would you describe your assertiveness skills? Do you feel you can speak up and express your thoughts in an assertive, calm manner? I've mentioned the importance of being assertive in the past and it's something we real need to work on because if you don't practice these then you are left feeling weak, angry, guilty, out of control...It can be particularly awkward when dealing with authority figures, like a parent, teacher, or boss. Or some of those over-bearing, in-your-face type of people that tend to want to dominate a conversation. It's important to consider the situations that leave you feeling "weakened" from an energy standpoint and learn to handle them appropriately. Otherwise you'll be left feeling victimized and we' know where that leads.....drinking. Also realize that feeling the need to control those feelings of fear and anxiety is normal. We're wired into a natural "flight or fight" reaction as a means to find control. Drinking became a "go-to" solution because it helps us find a temporary reprieve to the problems. It stimulates all sorts of neuro-chemicals that make us feel better and shuts off the logical thinking part of our brain. It's an unnatural problem that develops in a very natural way. Perhaps we need to focus on our coping skills, assertiveness, and the elimination of dysfunctional thinking habits? Thoughts?
If you take a step back and think of the dysfunctional thinking patterns... how many of them could you apply to your mother? One of the problems with dysfunctional thinking is many of the patterns are passed on to us from the previous generations, along with a lot of other maladaptive coping strategies because we\ they were never taught how to deal with life situations in a productive and healthy way. These tactics of guilt, because tactics is exactly what they are, are your mothers tools to assert control over others because she has no skills to deal with them any other way. Sadly, her need to exert control over her own fears is at the expense of those around her. She feels bad about herself and she'll make damn sure everyone else feels the same. Growing up in an alcoholic home these are tactics I am only to familiar with. Unfortunately, they seem to be on both sides and my in-laws are actually worse than my immediate family. We had a fine blow out with them at Christmas due to one sister-in-law getting so drunk and going on a condescendingly vicious rant that has left me with the decision to write them off. I'm open to resolution however it has to come from them and there need to be very clear boundaries. There comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand and let them know it is not acceptable to cross it. I refuse to be a party to toxic relationships that only serve to puff them up at others expense. And you know what? Since I made that decision I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I would feel the same way as you....get dragged into a situation because I expressed my thoughts that were contrary to the group and made to feel guilty about it. And to get control and eliminate the fear and anxiety I would drink. Have you ever noticed in a dysfunctional/ alcoholic family how there are unwritten laws that say "Don't go against the grain"or "don't talk about it or express your feelings" and God help you if you do because there are many black-belts in guilt waiting to beat you into submission.
You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty Kez. Expressing ones opinion should be met with acceptance and listening. It's perfectly ok not to agree however do it in a healthy way, not the toxic manipulative tactic of trying to prescribe a sense of guilt on the other person. Don't make their problem your problem. It's an artifact of the past we need to let go of.
Hi Kez, you sure hit home with this one. The guilt my mother has made me feel over anything and everything has got to be a toll in why I feel the need to drink. I'm glad to hear you are trying to stop again for your son. My daughter and son are my biggest motivators as well. You seem to be very in tune with what's going on with you. Sometimes as bad as this sounds I feel like I can't ever be okay until my mom is out of the picture.
Thanks for sharing at this difficult time. You can do this
Thank you for the response. How am I working on challenging these thoughts? Well, I talk to myself!
Lol.. seriously though, I stop, and often I put my situation into the perspective of someone else. What would they think of me in that situation? Does it compare to how I judge myself? Imagining your thoughts through the eyes of someone you respect/look up to/whatever does wonders for perspective. Imagining the things other people say to you, interpreted from the eyes of people you look up to helps, too, particularly when you interpret most things in a negative light automatically. And exercise. I was an athlete of the year student when I was younger so I always look back on those days and what worked WELL and how strong I was to keep me positive. And I've gotten into relaxation a bit too every now and then. Just to condition myself to "tune out".
The most unfortunate part is that the biggest obstacle to overcome right now is family. My mom is so fragile emotionally, if I so much as express an opinion my entire life falls apart as a consequence based on her reaction. I guess I'm just as fragile when it comes to her... And quite on the contrary, my in laws are so outgoing I feel like I need to wear goalie equipment to their dinners... lol... and that i'm not good enough to belong with them. Tonight was a night with my family; I expressed one opinion in defense of a family member she knew nothing about directly and made a harsh assumption about, and my mom couldn't even gather the gusto to say goodbye to me when we left. I'm left with feelings of guilt and self loathing.....poifect recipe for a glass of wine or two!
Congrats on getting right back to it. It sounds like you have gained a lot of insight into your drinking. This is half the battle. Nice work.
Learning to love yourself is a life long process. It will take time and effort but changing negative beliefs about yourself will have a huge impact on your life and on your ability to abstain from alcohol. How are you working on challenging these thoughts now? What works for you? What do you know doesn't help?
Great attitude Kez! When I read your first post on this thread it reminded so much of when I quit and I definitely could have written it myself. Remember the first week can be a challenge so be patient with yourself and post lots. You're definitely good enough and you've really made the right decision by getting this challenge behind you. Well done! You'll be surprised at how your life is going to change for the better and your relationships improve. And thank you for your positive support as well. Much appreciated.
Glad to hear from you! I was wondering when you would be back, you are such a pillar to this forum. Thank you for the encouragement. I feel different this time. I really, really do. 2015 started off on a phenomenal note and to be able to feel the difference between how I feel today and how I felt Monday is something I need to try and hold onto. It's all about new behaviours and believing that the real me is the one who isn't being influenced by alcohol and that that me is good enough.
Well, today is day 3, and the first two days were a bit of a bummer. I tried really hard to stay upbeat, and as the day went on yesterday I started to feel a bit like my normal self again, but I had my good friends shame, guilt, remorse, and self loathing following me around every step I took. The mornings are tough; I don't feel happy and ready to start the day at all. But I can, and I will. I think about the little positive things I can do that will collectively make a change for the better. I think I just don't feel worth it; but my son is worth it, and my husband is worth it, so I will keep doing it for them, and because every minute I spend with my son (3) is pure privilege. Wish I could start liking myself more, though. Like, I even feel like I'm being self-absorbed and that I'm not going to be accepted writing this anonymous post with a bunch of like-minded people! Ugh.
That's my rant for today, thanks to anyone who read, going to walk my dogs now...
Happy New Years Eve to everyone, stay safe and be conscious of your limits, whatever they may be.
