Ah jeez, what a whirlwind.
Most days I stay away from this board b/c most days it's been easy as pie to be a big fat quitter. Go figure. 20 years gone, 39 days recovered. I'm just learning to be an adult who doesn't smoke. I don't know what that's like - the last time I was a non smoker I was barely a teenager, barely pubescent. And what did I do with that portion of my life? Sold my soul to the Nic patrol. A walloping eye opener. Mark me with the sign of the 'L', thank you very much.
When I smoked, NO ONE out on the street smoked. Now, EVERY bloody person smokes. I look at them in pity. I look at them and think 'I'm so freaking glad I've quit already, it's not something I HAVE to do anymore. I've DONE it. Guilt, get the hell out of my head please and thank you.'
So now I'm a quitter there's plenty of time to think. (And how TOTALLY bizarre that I actually notice my surroundings more now, since I'm not perenially busy lighting up and crushing out.)
And here be emotions. Leaving the fog of 20 years of pacification, two decades of distraction, er..you don't exactly learn how to handle emotions well being a smoker.
When I was about 10 years old I was fervently anti-smoking. I was convinced I'd never smoke, that I was allergic to smoke, it was disgusting, foul, you name it, I didn't want any of it. Mom and Dad smoked, older brother was about to begin. But me? Don't kid yourself.
When I was 15, everything sucked. My parents were on the edge of divorce after years of a mad, chaotic home life. I spoke to no one, locked myself in my room and played solitaire. I had no friends from school because I had been bullied forever. But lucky me, I started finding friends from elsewhere, new ideas, new influences. Their contribution?
An escape from dealing with the crap emotions and whaddayaknow? Cigarettes.
The rush, the hit, the kick, the slap in the face. The high, the blast, the addiction that made me not give a toss about everyone else. Divorce? Who cares, light er up. Bullying? Ya right, I'm cool now, where's the matches?
The ability to deal with a single
lousy
emotion?
Gone.
So here am I, approaching a 4_ in my stats (holy crap!) No one I know believes I've done it, they're all stunned, shocked, proud. And t