Hi
I first posted on this site when i was diagnosed with depression after me and my ex wife split.
Since then i feel like ive been on a rollercoaster that wont stop.
I have had times where i thought thats it im back im better thats the old me and then the shock and sinkining feeling when ive realised the same feeling come back.
Im now 18 months into this it started with a split from the ex as i said feb 2010 the first few months where ok and then my life just changed.
my body gave up i was sleeping all the time i felt i wanted to try again with my ex but she started seeing someone else and so do i.
it felt like a death in the family
I had thoughts i shouldnt of had not really wanting to be here so the pain would stop .
The guilt of mistakes i had made and what a failure i was.
It felt like i was loosing my two girls too and all the time i couldnt understand how mt ex could see someone who i knew and i thought was a friend.
It cut like a knife the guy had always been in the scenes just being polite nice or over friendly when we where in our local pub and i would be not paying as much attention to my ex wife as i should of been.
I know i took her for granted but its easy looking back but i felt like id lost everything and some through my own stupidity.
nine months into the split my ex filed for devorce and put the CSA onto me in the same day.
Christmas was looming too and i felt my world was caving in i would fall asleep anywhere in the house at work on scaffoldings i was a mess.
I had met a grirl in october who was really nice but i still hadnt got over splitting with my ex.
The amount of times i tried think my way out of it telling myself im better of etc to no avail.
Christmas was so hard but i got through it.
I had decided not to take any medication as i tried near the beginging and i felt sucidal.
My devorce was nearing its completion i thought i would be relieved but i wasnt it still hurt and in the same month
April 2011 after a very minor eye operation my father started acting a little strange he was 67 and he was sluring his words. It turned out after thinking he had a little stroke it was more seroius. A xray showed he shadows on his brian and it turned aout to be Lung cancer.
My Dad died in june
In April i went to the doctors again who basicly had a go at me and said i wont take any medication so they couldnt do much.
I reluctanly went onto 20mg of floxatine
to be honest nothing improved i went back after 3 months the put me on 40 mg.
I had started to feel a little better but everytime i thought i was better thats it my hopes where shattered by the same feeling coming back .
Im not sure why im sharing all this i do speak to friends family and my girlfriend who have been there for me its just upsetting that i had to go back to the doctors today and now im on 60 mg of prozac where in august i was thinking of coming of them as i felt better.
Maybe its just more time maybe its never going to be ok maybe i just have to accept the fact ill never be the old me again.
I cant understand why i still have feeling for my ex i dont want them they hurt.
Someone please tell me i can get better
Im really sorry for this pile of drivel ive just wrote just hurting a bit today and im trying to find a way to get it all out and get better
Paul uk