Hello Ahsley!

 

Thank you so much for your reply! This has just been hard on me...On top of it I feel like my suual support systems are not really in place like usual. My mom is too busy with her new boyfriend and my husband, well, I can only tell him so much. I feel lonely with all this.

 

Hiya Goofy,

 

Yes, despite what I just said to Ashley, my husband really is a great support. But in a way I think he can't totally understand what I am going through. And that is not just a girl vs boy thing. Although, that fact that this is going on in MY body is a factor I think. I think it is also because our perspective on everything is not exactly the same. And that is ok. He has his on stuff to deal with and live through and this affects him in his own way and that is ok. But I do feel lonely with all this. I hope he doesn't but I can't know...

 

And yes, I know it is normal to feel guilty and sad and angry but at the same time I feel like I have to hide it all because everyone seems to think I am overreacting to this. As for the section on grief I had worked it when my kitty passed and you are right it is very helpful. I might try that.

 

As for the people at the hospital... I was suposed to go back today for a final round of tests just to be sure there wasn't complications and I couldn't make myself do it. I just didn't go...I know it is stupid of me but I just couldn't deal with it and them... I will try and see my actual doctor, she is nicer and can get the appropriate tests done for me. I will call tomorrow. Yeah, that is what I will do. She will make sure all is well without me having to deal with the idiots at the hospital!

 

Today, I slept all day. And now, all I wnt to do is go back to bed. I am so tired and , well tired and I feel heavy and I am achy and I guess this is just a tough day. I wish the cramping and bleeding would stop. It is just a reminder...Plus it makes me tired and irritable...Anyway, I am being a buzzkill. So off I go. Thank you for your support!

Diva, I couldn't agree more about the insentive morons at the hospital.  Whether you were trying or knew you were pregnant is irrelevant.  You lost something.  It is natural to feel angry, sad and guilty - it is part of the grieving process.  In my opinion, you need to take time to greive.  Tale as long as you need as everyone does it different and you are entitled to feel all the emotions that go along with it for as long as you need to.  I know there is a section in here on grief - I worked it when my dad passed - it is really a good session and I highly recommend it. 

 

Your husband sounds like a wonderful support system (I know you know that already).  I'm glad he is there for you and can understand what you are going through - remember, he may have some grieving issues as well.  It would only be natural and he'll work through his grieving process in his own time/way just like you. 

 

Hang in there and remember we are here for you, care about you and support you as best we can in this environment.

 

Diva,

 

I am so sorry that this happened.  You have every right to be upset.  Take the time you need, we are all here to listen and support you.

 

 

 

Hiya guys,

 

Sorry I fell off the face of the world again. First I was ill, then I was uber busy (lots of early festivities) then ... well then...

I was out on a thursday night with my friend. I met her on the first week on my doctorate's of all things (the only week I actually went!) and we just really hit it off although she is younger then me lol. So we went out and she wanted to eat so I told her about  a neat little restaurant and we went to eat. All of a sudden around 10 pm just before we were leaving I got a horrible pain in my lower right side. Since I had been spotting for a while, I figured my period was finally starting and it was no big deal. Then the pain got really really bad! Like major pain. And I had nausea and diarhea (sorry for crossing the tmi line!). So I went home and lied down on the couch. Called the healthline and they told me to put ice on my tummy and if the pain wasn't better go to the emergency. But I was stubborn and did not want to go to the hospital for menstrual cramps. So I waited it out. So around 3 am I called the healthline again and they told me to get to the hospital now (lower right side pain, they were thinking appendicitis...). So after tests and echographies and blan blah blah... I learn I am pregnant. I also learn I may be having cyst issues on my ovaries or appendicitis, or an ectopic pregancy or I may be having a miscarriage. Or maybe it is just tendon pain and it wil all be ok. I had no idea I was even pregnant before that. My period is not regular and they figure I was somewhere between the 5th and 9th week about. We weren't really trying to get pregant. Like sure we weren't trying too hard not to either but still was shocking.
Then I had more tests on friday and saturday. They still weren"t sure what was really going on with me. On Saturday the bleeding got heavier and I just knew. It was a miscarriage. Sunday no tests. Monday I wait all day for results at the hospital. They confirmed a miscarriage. They announce it to me as if they were telling me the sky is blue. I wanted to scream at the doctor. She tells me well it was just early pregnancy as if that made it ok. Hubby bought me a beany baby giraffe to cheer me up. He knows how I feel about teddy bears. He hates having so many but he still bought it. It was sweet. So now I have to go back for tests later to make sure the miscarriage "went well" and there is no infection risk etc... They told me though that the signs were that since it was "only"' early pregancy my miscarriage would most likely "go well, be a good one". Just cause it was early and I wasn't trying doesn't mean I don't care!!!! Feckless morons! Feckless heartless doctor!!!! It could have been a baby...

I didn't think it would get to me this much. The last few days I try to relax and just keep my mind off things. Since this all started I read through the first two tomes and a half of the twilight saga (I beg of you, no snotty comments about my reading choices lol!) and watched the first three seasons of Supernatural on dvd. Weird thing is I haven't cried that much. Except a breakdown moment in the hospital waiting room and right now I am balling like a baby, I haven't really cried. It's like I want to act in front of everyone like this is no big deal and I am fine and , well I don't know. But I don't feel ok really. Part of me was anxious and scared at the idea of being pregnant but part of me was hopeful that it would turn out ok. Part of me wanted it...I am not ok and I don't know who to talk to.

Worse part is usually my mom would be a great support but she is so busy with her moving into a new place and with her divorce and her friggin new boyfriend that she has no brain space for anything else. When he is over it is like the world stops. I don't get to go see her or anything so I don't crowd thei