Diva, let us know how it goes with your dad.  That relationship section that Jason referred to really helped me when I first got here because mom had died and as I said they were still married and we had to have some conversations.  I hope it helps you too.  

A continuation:
 
Now (I am almost 40), when my mom makes a promise (like "I'll visit soon" or "I'll send [your daughter] some birthday money"), I just smile and tell her "thanks mom" but in my mind I think, this probably won't happen but that's ok, if it does happen that will be nice, but no big deal if it doesn't. She has surprised me a few times and followed through recently, but now that I don't have any expectations of her anymore, whatever the outcome is ok. I do have to protect my own daughter from it though. I never tell my daughter of my mom's promises, or if she makes a promise in person, I tell my daughter "she's getting old and forgets the promises sometimes." I know this may not be the best reaction, but it works for me.
 
I think maybe I should have confronted her, but I don't think anything would have changed. I just learned to put up an emotional shield (often called boundaries) between her and me. I still do this with other people and am working on trying to trust more and to actually express my emotions instead of just hiding behind my wall.
 
My own story probably has nothing to do with yours!  LOL! I just wanted to let you know that you triggered a memory, and I felt like writing it down for the first time ever.  Take what you want from it, ignore the rest.
 
From your posts, it sounds like you may have taken the healthier approach to confront the issue directly. My mom has no idea how much she hurt me because I have never told her.
 
I am now repeating this pattern with my husband. I can see myself feeling hurt by him but never telling him. I now have hurt and bitterness and have built another wall. While I don't mind at all and am very comfortable being emotionally removed and at peace with my mom (the wall is nice protection from the hurt). I would like a more open and trusting relationship with my husband.
 
You know, I don't think I ever realized that I was just repeating the same coping technique with my husband that I did with my mom. Thanks for making me think all of this out Diva! I now see that I really need to confront and deal with the issues directly (only with my husband, I like where I am at with my mom), even if the outcome is negative. I sometimes wonder if my ability to repress emotions and put up a wall (with my husband) has contributed to my depression.  I am totally at peace with my relationship with my mom, but I am not happy about my relationship with my husband.
 
Thanks for all your sharing Diva! You have really made me think.

 

Hi Diva,
 
What you wrote brought back some memories for me and how I coped/am coping with them.
 
For me, it was my mom (didn't know I had a dad for a long time). My mom was always busy, gone, working, etc. I started being left alone home at a very early age. I didn't really think anything of it at the time because I didn't know any different. I do remember making a lot of stupid decisions and mistakes because I was so young and getting in trouble for them when she got home.
 
My biggest hurt was all her broken promises. Honestly, I think she broke absolutely every single one of them. I remember being a little girl and just feeling shattered time and time again by her ability to not follow through on anything she said. I would cry alone in my bedroom (or alone in the apartment when she was gone) over the disappointment and hurt.  I didn't have anyone else there to hold or comfort me when this happened. My little brother was always left with me, but I had to mother him; he couldn't console me.
 
By the time I was 11, I stopped believing her promises and thought of her as a liar. I wish I had done this earlier, but kids always want to hope and believe in their parents I guess.  At 11, she would still make promises (we will go somewhere, we will get something, do something special, buy something special, spend time together, take me somewhere, whatever), but I now knew better. I would respond with "great" while I thought "yeah right."
 
I became cynical and bitter towards her and really angry at her.
 
 When I was 12, I met my dad for the 1st time and he got full custody of me. He was the same about promises, but I just didn't care anymore. He worked a ton, and I just met him, so I didn't really have any expectations of him. I guess, since I grew up with my mom, I had more expectations of her.
 
When I was 15, I was able to realize that expecting my mom to follow through on what she says is like expecting the sun to not rise tomorrow. She was just incapable of managing her time properly. I knew/know she always had good intentions, but something caused her to fail meeting her own expectations. I realized/realize that it was all her problem and had absolutely nothing to do with me. I finally decided to just accept her for who she was and what she was. For the first time in my whole life, I let go of my own expectations of her. Again with the sun metaphor, she rose and she set on her own schedule, apart from my influence. There was nothing I could do to change her behavior.
 
Just working this out in my own mind finally gave me peace about the whole situation. I wish my story had a happy/fairytale ending. It ends with me never trusting what she says anymore but just accepting who she is (I am sure this is why I don't trust anyone now). I do see her once a year now (no phone calls during the year, I have gone up to 5 years not seeing her before), and I know she loves me even though she can't express it. She is who she is, and she will always be who she is, and I found peace by letting go.

I remember sitting in the stairs, waiting…

I am dressed in my nicest dress, my hair is all clean and brushed and looks nice. I got all pretty for my dad. He is supposed to come get me for a special supper, just him and me. He will be here soon. He said he would be here at 6 pm. Mom says it is almost six. So I put on my good shoes and grab my coat. that way when dad comes I won’t make him wait. I don’t want to lose anytime with him because of a coat. So I sit there, at the top of the stairs, staring at the door, with my coat in hand, dressed like a princess…

It is now 6:15 pm. Dad hasn’t come yet. It’s ok, he works hard and he is late because of it sometimes…

It is 6:30 pm…Dad hasn’t showed up. I get this sick feeling in my stomach, I feel so miserable. But maybe he will still show up.

It is 6:45 pm. Mom wants me to come sit with her. But I stubbornly refuse to move from the top of the stairs. Dad will come get me, he said he would. I am crying now, I know he most likely won’t come.

It is 7 pm now. I am still sitting at the top of those stairs. I am heartbroken. I am sobbing. Yet I still sit there, clinging to one last hope. Dad would not do this to me again…

The phone rings. I feel sick. I know it is dad calling to say he won’t come. My mom answers, she talks for a bit then calls me over to the phone. I get up slowly and take time to calm down. By the time I get to the phone I am no longer sobbing. With as steady a voice as I can I say hello. My dad explains he has to work late. He says he is sorry he did not call before. He was working ans lost track of time. He says he will make it up to me and we will go eat supper next week. I say I understand, that he works hard. I tell him I love him and to take care. He says thank you for understanding. I say okay. We hang up.

It is now 7:05 pm. I run to my room sobbing and go to bed without supper in my prettiest dress…I hate the stairs.