I am at a point in my life where I cannot deal with anything. I mean nothing. I am just so exhausted and any demands made upon me feel like I am being squished under a boulder.

For example, I decided I am not well enough to go back to school in September. Well, my health decided that but I am finally listening… Now I have to call or write and cancel not only my University studies but my college studies. Thinking about doing that makes me want to hurt myself badly. People think, it is just one e-mail, one phone call. No, it is more than that…Much more then that…It is an emotional roller-coaster for which I am NOT ready…

I haven’t showered today. I just couldn’t…I napped a lot. And the Gold Medal for long-time napping goes to….drum roll… Catherine! And the crowd goes wild! Tonight, I ate a great supper. My husband fed me. He fed me and didn’t ask me what I wanted. I didn’t have to even think about it. I almost cried with relief.

I have to go and try to get financial aid and I just can’t…

I can’t deal with anything, I feel like the slightest thing will just break me, break me in a way which will be near impossible to fix.

I realize I have asked my family to care for me as if I were a child, an infant really. But that is where I am at. Most days, my job is to hold myself together, my energy goes to that. I am impossibly exhausted. I feel thin and fragile.

If in reading this you think I want to escape reality, darn right I do, right now, I am just not equipped to deal with it…

Today, my mom read my blog, as she does everyday. Then she called a meeting with my husband. Then she called me to tell me she wanted to speak to me.

I think she finally is stepping out of denial-land. I think she is finally grasping just how far down the slope I am and how close to decompensating I actually am. She realized I need help now before I either end up catatonic or screaming and drooling in a padded room. She finally understands that I am dragging on my back enough fatigue and exhaustion and worry for a millennium…

I think my husband and her have finally realized the depths from which I need to rise. I told my mom I don’t have the energy to receive help or anything.

As such, today at 1500 hours, ensign Diva was relieved of duty. From now on, I am no longer involved in the care of my home, in the making of food, in anything but trying to get through my day. My mom agreed that when she helps in our house she will not consult me and I will just have to take the help as is. My husband is headed the same way. He will not consult me on things, he will just do them and I will have to be happy with him organizing us both.

I know this sounds insulting. It sounds like I am being treated like a child. But I am praying to whoever my higher power is that they will put that plan in action. I am just too exhausted to be treated like an adult. I just am. That is where I am at, at this point in my life. I am sick, exhausted and feel like a lost 3-year-old who needs care. I know this makes me sound…oh heck I don’t know how it makes me sound, but let’s face it, this is my reality right now.

The truth of the matter is, I was hospitalized for a week about three months ago. Might be more, might be less, but as stated before, I have no sense of time… I went to the emergency room to have myself committed short-term and I was. I felt in danger for myself from myself and my therapist of the time ( I miss him!), well he was worried I was near decompensation and well It felt like I was. I came back home after a week-long stay and resumed my life. But little has changed since. I still feel like I am held together by pieces of very old shoes string… I still feel like at any moment I may lapse into complete disorganized madness or maybe the reverse, catatonia.

The truth is, I am proud of myself if I manage to shower in a day. That is my great victory. I am proud of myself when I manage to feed my cats a can of food. I am proud of myself if I manage to make my own instant coffee or my own bowl of cereal… I have gone hungry for hours because nobody was here to feed me and I just didn’t have the energy to fix cereal…I have gone for a week without showering. I know extra gross and a side of gross and too much info. But that is my reality.  I am either exhausted and sleepy or exhausted and awake or sleeping. I don’t remember what not exhausted feels like. When I have energy it is because I am on edge, it is this weird edgy energy but I still feel exhausted.

And through all that I still try to find happiness and laughter and love and friendship. Without that I think I would be dead. But my bubble is easily burst.

I think even the people closest to me don’t realize how bad it is for me. There are many reasons for this.

1. People who are close to you and love you wish so badly that you wouldn’t suffer that they sometimes go into denial.

2. I hide it well despite everything.

3. Maybe they just can’t fathom how it is.

The thing is, despite my honesty and this blog, I hide well. There is also the fact that I am a survivor. Also, I think if I wasn’t so messed up I would naturally be one of the happiest, most resilient, most positive people ever! This reminds me of when my friend Aimee was talking about the real me, the one I would be without mental illness. I think this person would be sensitive and easily moved but happy and resilient and positive. I was told I was a happy, trusting, calm, easy baby. Now, when it all went wrong, who knows but it was in early childhood…I remember being screwed up when I was three. But nonetheless, my instinct, my normal disposition is to try to smile and make the best of things and try to be as happy as can be and to be a survivor. So, I think it masks how I feel for other people. Sure I write in this blog about how I feel, but then I laugh and smile and go about my day and try to make a positive impact on my little world!

As such, I don’t think people understand how profoundly exhausted and overwhelmed and discouraged and just plain tired I feel. I don’t think people know how horrible I feel inside often. I don’t know that they realize how dark it becomes when night falls on my soul. I don’t know that people understand the pain I am in…

I need help but the sad truth of it is, I just lack the energy to receive help. Getting help takes energy. Being helped means one must help oneself. And well, I am just plain too exhausted...

For example, we are broke. I need to go see if I could get some kind of financial help, something...Well I am too exhausted to deal with going over there, facing the inevitably snarky person whose job is to exclude as many people as possible. I am too tired to jump through the gazillion hoops I will have to and fetch all the documents I will need. I am certainly too exhausted to fill the stupid forms required...I also need to go get budget and financing help and am too exhausted to do the work to prepare the meeting, let alone go there.

I need help with my house. But I am too tired to get help with my house. My mom offered to help. But I am too tired to take her up on it. Getting help with my house means getting up so she can come help. It means figuring out what she can do to help. It means figuring out what needs to be done. It means figuring out what goes where. If have the energy for none of those things and I lack the ability for most of them too! I don't know what goes where and what needs to get done and in what order, I really don't. I am totally anxious and overwhelmed. I have no idea which end is which! And I am too tired to twist my brain into figuring it out! Heck the reason my therapist clicked on the ADHD thing is because of my lack of planning and organizational skills!

I need to sign up for my classes but I am too tired to figure out where I have to do it and how. Getting help would mean I would have to figure it out...I am TIRED!!!!

I would need to eat better. Getting help would mean having to help out with the cooking and shopping...makes me want to cry...

Anyway, the point to this long inane ranting is this. I NEED HELP but I am just to F***ing tired to receive it!