hi gang.
i will be rambling for a while ... okay? So working in the first sense is functionality. I am not broken, i am able in order and able to complete tasks. And I ofter feel defective. I do not have the energy level that gets others through the week or month. I am not able to complete a set task without falling asleep infront of the screen or without becoming irritable. I want more I want recognition and I want diversity but all that was taken away ... why due to restructing or me???
Work in the sense of day to day tasks, housework, homework. This is where I usually end up in survival mode. Laundy strewn about, dishes piling up, dust a blanket on most memories... why bother? bacteria and virus need a home. No to puppy mills. No to the unethical harvest of sea-kitten. No to the destruction to the habitat of bacteria and viruses. I these tasks is the raising of childern and here i wonder... and I equally negligent! am I negligent in providing too much attention ? or by being a poor example? Have I transmitted my defective genes to my children? already my son had my migrains that need accupunction treatments!!! My daughter is .. well she needs .... she is ... crazy excited. And coping is not living.
Then there is the occupation I do. I put numbers into a computer fo a company. I have done so for 10 years for money and every once in a while they say thank you. But I want to play with colour and talk with people. i want to be late and work late every once in a while. I want a bunch of people to see what I did. I want a something at the end of the week not a back-up sent to a computer archive cie.
And to tell the truth I do not know what I truely want. I have this undirected energy in the middle of me and I seem unable to direct it! I do not have any desire to put it into the haling of my physical entity I am. Maybe i could create a little something downstaires for the mental me... I have no energy requirements for the daily tasks at hand. i am doing jack today. No will and no motivation to pick up socks. And I took a simple sick day from the office to recupe from the holiday rush and from last weeks bitter artic cold weather.
Money would help take care of a few things that are causing me stress. But in the end I do not have a 5 year plan and it is driving me to distraction. I am bored. I want that work that is fueled by ambition to motivate me. And I do not have that, so everything is looking flat. I should be setting little plans in order. I should be calculating savings - for braces and all.
But
no action. only hours and hours of .... maman it hurts, maman its painful. and of course I will become uncool and mean and the wicked step mother in the next 5 years at home... so of course I want personal action! but what. What am I ready for? and what is available?
I was just thinking about that book I wanted to put together... and what I would need to do it and what I want to put into it... while I was punching in the numbers this morning 
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