awaaa moody, that was so nice that i have had a hard time answering... i just keep crying. daily llama, it is nice, well it is comforting to know that I am not the only one to have the fear of harbouring jeckel-and-hyde. I sometimes am afraid of losing the pressure valve and emotionally exploding at the worst possible moment. Part of my depression, my being bi-polar are these nasty low points. I have to claw my way tooth and nail out of the abyse. The negative feelings are so riveted to my heart chakra that I struggle every now and again. prehaps that is why I see my depressive moments as a black hole rather than the dog... Usually I take a 1/2 hour appt with a soc-worker or therapist to help me. But this time I did a few simple things. I did a 36 hour week last week! I had fun staying home listening to my husband's fight for the last shippment of "bakugan" in montreal! it was just like the movie Jingle all the way with arnold schweneggar. What a blast! I went to buy a little something for me at the liquidation of additionnelle. I enjoyed a a beautiful glass of white wine. I went for a reiki session from my aunt. I think that I am learning some important energy lessons right now... THere must be some connection between the electrical impulses in our brain and the atomic energy that keeps matter together, if the brain energy is under some control then the energy in all the atoms between us should be available and reikie is one way of control... sorry about babbling, I have living these past few weeks on the outside. Worried about work. Worried about fiances. Worried about my husband and children. And I forgot the first lesson; take care of the spirit and the world will continue as it will. It is the spirit, my soul that needs most at this time of the year. It is not by running around meeting the exterior needs that the interior needs are met. It is by caring for the old hurts and healing the scars that the exterior needs are not as pressing. So I am back to being mostly myself. BUT I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE REALLY WONDERFUL MESSAGES AND KIND WORDS. THEY REALLY HELPED A W-H-O-L-E BUNCH!!!!

Sorry Wildcat! Belle Gosse is probably wrong word for la petite belle fille.... sorry

Wildcat, wildcat, wildcat! You're so self-aware normally that I wonder why you can't see the Christmas holidays for what they have meant for you since you were a baby girl... I think of this time for lots of people, myself at the forefront, as a seasonal streff-filled lunacy period. Not because of all the errands and jobs and necessary things that have to be done but because most of my Christmas experiences on the Day were filled with negative vibes from my mother who hated domestic work in general and only ever got as far as midday on Christmas day before she boiled over into fury and shouting vituperation at all of us children - how lazy, how stupid, how selfish and how ungrateful we all were - How she should never have married my father and how she could have been a concert pianist and the hostess to the Haute Monde and all that mullarkey...! It sounds funny now, and my sister and I laugh about it at our own Christmas dinners with all our kids having a good time but the reality is that we both have a secret dread of things going wrong on that day and that we will lose our tempers and be mean to everybody. You're so good at seeing your life and being aware that it will help you if you talk a little to your husband about those bad Christmasses you endured and how they impinge on your spirits now. As for the rest, let the daycare people get over their own misery about the holidays and 'regulations' and just deal with the rude ones verbally in January. Take an hour to put Tiamat into a warm bath tonight (just for yourself to feel better) and let her sit in the bubbles and have fun with her for a short while.. She needs to love you as much as you love her and her laughter and smiles will reinforce that for her: it's only one hour and maybe your husband will make you a cup of coffee or tea while you're in the bathroom playing with la belle gosse.?? If he's too distracted tonight, get Tiger to do that for you (to let him join in the fun a bit). Stay strong and eat oranges and apples (most expensive you can buy) and feel the vitamins eating away at the toxins...! Laisse tomber les 'obligations' un peu...

Wildcat, I want to challenge those negative thoughts for you if I could. When someone kept telling me my positive qualities, I refused to believe them. I was drowning and pushed the life saver away even though people kept throwing it on me. I refused their support. But for a few hours last week, I actually believed that I could get through this and actually believed in myself and so will you. You are a great mom, don't believe those thoughts or blame those actions that you made. Everyone makes mistakes; you are not a bad mom. If you were so bad, why would you blame yourself so harshly? Why would you care so much? If you were so terrible, you would not care at all. This is just your turn to have the down period. I view it that way. Its your turn and then, it will go to someone else. There are times when I would be making no mistakes and then boom there I go making all the mistakes, minor or major all coming at me at once. You are a great person, you care so much especially when you post your answers so thoughtfully to us. There are so many times that you came to our rescue and I thank you so much. You are a kind, generous and caring lady who goes out of her way to help others and you do it quickly and in a timely manner. I refuse to let you minimize your positive qualities. You are very valuable to us and make an important contribution to the world. Don't you dare put yourself down any longer!!!!! (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) :)

Wildcat, Money is rewarding and after all of your hard work and overtime these past few months it would be very rewarding to have some, there's no denying that. But there are still plenty of pleasant activities that you and your family can do over the holidays. Have you ever thought of going to a soup kitchen and helping serve Christmas dinner, or what about volunteering at a food bank to help sort all of the food. Really challenge your negative thoughts and think of some ways to enjoy some quality time and happiness with your family during Christmas. And don't count the kids out, they are probably full of great ideas. Brenna, Bilingual Support Specialist

no money is not everything... but it would be nice to have something after 2 months worth of overtime on week-ends.

Wildcat, We all have days that we feel nothing can go right. You are not a horrible mother or person. You are valuable and have many strengths. You are paying a lot of attention to the negative information from today and this past week. Challenge these negative thoughts and think of some positives from this week. Some questions to ask yourself to challenge these negative thoughts are: 1. What’s the evidence that the thought is true? 2. What’s the evidence that the thought is not true? 3. What is the worst possible thing that could happen and how would you cope if it did happen? 4. What’s the best possible thing that could happen? 5. What would most likely happen and how would you cope if that happened? 6. What’s another way of thinking about this situation? What else could be going on? 7. What would you tell a friend of yours if they were in this situation and had the same negative thought? 8. What’s the effect of believing the negative thought? 9. What would happen if you didn’t believe the negative thought? 10. What are some alternative thoughts in this situation? And Christmas doesn't have to be about money. Enjoy spending time with your family and doing simple activities. Going for a walk in the park, building a snow man, making a gingerbread house or baking Christmas cookies. You could make some arts and crafts with your kids. There is plenty of fun activities that are inexpensive or free. Brenna, Bilingual Support Specialist

and the spiral continues... They problably have a good reason to be mad with me... miserable person that I am. Late twice in one week! I abandon my daughter before the sun comes up and pick her up in the middle of the night. she is a sorry state and her temper tantrums are just another sign of the horrible parent I am. I can hear the office christmas buffet starting. Why bother to celebrate? I will just deprive others of a simple pleasure of fine company and tasty tidbits. I am already a fat cow of 265 lbs. I really don't need more. Food will only make my potmaked, pimplely face break out more. My father's confused and unrealistic expectations ruined my family's christmas celebrations... so that my cousins still laugh about it... I am going to make a royal mess with my ignorance and stupity. My poor children with the shadow of their depressed and miserable mother pretending to celebrate a useless, commercial day. And I am a hopeless lier. My boss thinks I am e-mailing touching e-cards to friends... a few others think I have a sinus infection. i am puffy red and truely look like the village/company idiot! And all are pushing me to stuff my snout!

I can't believe how quick the change from able to face the world to crying baby ... is. Tuesday was the second day after our big snow storms and I was 15 minutes late at the daycare and was upset with the head educator who was there to remind us of the daycare rules... with no tact and no consideration that my usual 45 minutes in traffic was extended to 1h45min. So when I was 3 minutes late yesterday and the other set of evening educations made me sign the late pickup for 6:05 I put my time next to my signature... and these were upset - supposedly they were there!!! And when I was downstaires there were angry woords btw the two concerning me, as if I couldn't hear. So today when the director of the daycare called to repremand me I am ready to fall to peaces. Supposedly Tiamat has a head full of lice, new and old. I should shower her more often and she was not combed. So my in-laws went to pick she up... and they were shown a lice picked up from her head... so my Mother-in-law passed the fine-comb at the house and found nothing! I am late 4 days out of five at work. okay I am not hasseled about it but I feel guilty anyways. I was late twice this week at daycare, and now I am a horrible parent foe not showering my little girl every morning. I am not an equal part of my marriage these days because I cannot comfort nor help my husband manage the stress he carries from work and holidays. i miserably bugeted my pay for the past two months and can't afford christmas! I want be a solitary hermit in a cave. far from everone. far from the reproach in people's voices. far from the anger in people's eyes. far from the frustration in people's posture. far from the negative judgements in their aura. bye