the burial and grave are symbols for the living. we sometimes need those tangible things to better understand the metaphysical. the dead do what the dead do... it is the living that have a process to live through. we have a whole bunch of emotions to deal with. and it is often hard.

Hi Wildcat, yes i did tell my mother that i love and miss her on dec 5th. I tell her almost everyday. I have missed her more this year than at any other time apart from the 1st few months of her death. Even then i had to focus on my fathers grief and not my own. I miss her terribly, she was only 62 when she died. I have been to the cemetary this weekend but the weather was so bad i went alone but promised to take my father this week. He was o.k. with that, its was just my guilt that got to me. The strange thing is, my mother didnt believe in visiting graves! She would have thought me really crazy for standing over there in the freezing cold and pouring rain. I guess the guilt came from thinking that I had let my father down. Guilt is a big deal for me as I tend to blame myself for everything. Am working on it though! x

gabs, did you tell your mother that you miss her and still love her with all your heart on dec 5th?

Hi wildcat, I have been thinking since your post on the 5th Dec how to respond in a positive way to you. I cant, forgive me, but i do empathise. It was my late mothers birthday on 5th december. For the past 9 years since she passed away i have taken my disabled father to the cemetary on this day. Well, this year, I just wasnt well enough. The weather was dreadful, ( no excuse) I was in physical pain with my back(it has been worse) I was over tired, The traffic awful, etc etc. Basically, I couldnt face it. My failure, my grief, his need, his disability, my disability. The list seems endless. I still havent written one Christmas card The worst thing of all of this is the GUILT i feel. Why,? Its not my fault that my mother died of cancer. Its not my fault that my father is disabled. Its not my fault that I have a back serious back problem . Its not my fault that I have depression. But Hey, It IS my fault the way I choose to handle it. I feel that I have let my mother down, my father down but most of all myself down. If I had only just got up, and put the cemetary visit my priority, I would have had, not just a better day, but a better week. I have beat myself up over something that was in my control. I should, have gone. I know about the 'should' statements. However, there are still some things that we 'should' do. If we do them, we can get on with our lives. If we dont, we think about them for days on end. Wildcat, i know this little story is so far from what you have written about, but basically amounts to feeling guilty and time. We have so little time in our lives to do what needs to be done, let alone to do what we would like to do. We NEED to do all of the things you say, But we also need the support and understanding from others. Even with the support, would we still have enough time to do all that we need to do for others, and the time to heal ourselves? I have no answers for you at this time, only a friendly hand to say. I am with you in this, lets hold on together and get through the next few days/weeks. take care.x

Wildcat, Changing those bad habits and instilling new ones is a great idea for both you and your kids. They will be so happy to go back to school after the holidays and share with their friends what they did over the holidays. Ask them for some input about what they would like to start as a new Christmas tradition. Maybe it will be building a gingerbread house together, or putting up lights and decorating a tree. You could also start doing some holiday backing together or just take a nice family walk through a park. Let us know what you decide to do. Brenna, Bilingual Support Specialist

hi guys, I am seeing the therapist on the 19th and need to talk about this stagnant emotional energy... I see this old time guilt and shame as a part of me, part of the energy I sponged off of others and now cannot release. My psychologist has a certain way of communicationing with me -we are on the same wavelength- so I am sure I will be able to work it out. This story is as old as time for me. It is my thought pattern that pops up automatically with the arrival of the holiday season. I am trying to remove this bad habit and instill new ones. new ones that allow me to enjoy the new traditions I have created for my children. New ones that allow me to be happy and joyous in this season. the rambling out the story was a way for me to get it out so I could look at the wrong Thinking and see what is from outside and what is truely me! I guess it is a round about way of doing some of the program exercises - without really understanding the explanations. thanks all!

Hi Wildcat I think that Josie has a number of good ideas there. It may be really hard to recognize, but guilt is pretty destructive and certainly not productive. Look at all the incredible things that you do! You are a mom whose kids actually care about her being there! Not all moms are thought of that way. You really care about getting the rights things for Christmas. You work hard. Lots of things you do right and certainly don't have to be guilty about. None of the things that your parents did to and about you were caused by YOU. As an adult you know that, and do not want to put your kids through that. You have the control there - you can deal with your kids in a much better way. I also happen to be a 'chronically' late person....and I spend a lot of time trying to improve that - when I do....I feel so much better. The temptation to stay in bed for an extra time....to accomplish "just a little more" before I used to pick up the kids.... to put on lipstick before work because I think I have an extra minute...... If I just focus on what I have to do and not give myself an reason to do 'just a little more' the reward of being on time at work or for the kids truly outways the guilt and excuses I give myself. Try it....honestly it is better. Just love the kids....as Josie says make yourself a priority, have fun with the kids. It's all okay. It feels good and it truly is o.k. to feel good without the guilt. Take care of yourself Wildcat and be well. Tipper

wildcat, The holidays can bring stress and emotions for all. Use the list you comprised and start from the top. Make the season a happy one! Make some play dates for the kids and let them have their own fun. Include them in the shopping, wrapping and labeling. Reward them with cookies you bake together or a good old fashioned T.V. night! Most of all take a day just for you and ease that stress and relax. Hot bath, brisk walk or even a great book can help refresh you and ease those joints. Don't rule out a snowball fight and let them win :) Josie, Support Specialist

I think I have run out of rope and the fall is a long way from here. :( I hate having to scrape up pennies to work out a holiday budget. I hate having to guess what will be nice and will not be given 40 times this season. I hate the holidays... alwys have...as a child I was always so filled with guilt! My parents were divorced when I was 1 and each year we went through the why are you there for (the particular Holiday) and not with meee! Hey this was their fault and I felt bad!!! Then there was my father's needs to be the typical family provider and when I was and adolecent he had me pick up gifts for everone and put my name on them... so if I forgot something or someone he felt his Machismo diminish and I got the s#%$ for it... more negativity. Also, there were times when I asked for stuff. Oh those were mistakes I didn't repete too often (I still have my rag tag winter coat that I had at 16 - full of fun I had with friends and all the harsh words and abuse I subjected to by him. Most of my gifts from my mother were taken back by her and given to my sister - I was at my father's so she needed them more than I did! My games -the half that were left- were chewed on and mostly broken. My dolls were scribbled on and just as ugly as I was. Now, I keep things simple. I shop early and keep my mind occupied. By the 10 thru the 15th,. I have all my purchases done and my plans worked out. I know where I am going physically and mentally so there are few surprises. But today is horrible... I have these weepy bouts since Friday... It is so embarassing to be red and puffy all the time at work. Since Monday's snowstorm I have wanted to hide under my covers and hibernate! I even wore myself out taking the Metro (subway) all 27 stations to work and 27 more home Monday -really big accomplishment for me as I see it as a train of coffins pulled by snails-! :blush: The traffic is horrible these days so I am 1 hour late in the morning for work and 15 mins late picking up the kids. I hate the guilt for that -since one person asked if I would not prefer the Metro to the car since the metro gets me here on time.!!! The boss mentioned she knows the troubles the season brings and when she was.... blahblahblah... more guilt!!! And the kids are in revolt because of my extra days of work. I come in one day during the week-end to catch up on some really late work -late since feb and march-!!! (not my stuff!!!) I need to cut things out but what? I need the extra work for the money! I need to be with the kids. I need to keep busy with the little Xmas stuff to keep from falling into the holiday abyss. I need to express so much but have nothing left to do it with.