Wishingwell, Don't you worry about coming to us and telling us how you are feeling. Sometimes each of us need the focus to be on us for a little while. You lean on us, we'll lean on you, deal? :) Be gentle on yourself, and know that we are behind you. Kelly

Hi Rayne, CVM & Kelly, Thanks for replying and sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I tried replying once before and typed this really long post, then poof it was gone. I hit the wrong key and everything I wrote was deleted. I thought maybe I wrote too much so probably I should condense it. At the time emotions were running very high and I had so much to say inside, but probably it was too much. I don't won't the focus to be on me, because I care about what happens to all of you and I feel selfish for just concentrating on my problems. But that might be part of what depression is all about, self absorption. I don't want to be that type of person, but I do want to share what not to do in times of crisis as I have first hand experience of how devastating it can be to the person who is in crisis and the rest of those who care about the person. It is not easy to admit it, but some of my strengths can also turn out to be my very weaknesses. I try to be in control most of time and strong for everyone, which is a good trait, but then when times are tough, or when life is spinning out of control either in work or family life, I've already established to everyone that everything is so perfect, so how can I ask for help or tell someone that I am in pain or my marriage is not what it appears to be? This is when the crisis becomes unmanageable and I tend to do desperate things as my coping skills become twisted and totally irrational. Does this make sense? I have so much to learn and I hope I am a quick learner because the alternative is unbearable. They say in order to change one has to be willing to go through some pain, well I am willing to do anything to feel normal again and be a good mother to my son and be able to go back to work again, which will be pretty soon. I don't know if this helps anyone, but it helps me to be able to express myself, maybe one day I can feel these changes within and be able to apply them automatically. I wish all of you happiness and inner peace and gratitude for supporting me during this difficult time in my life.

Welcome back Wishingwell! We are always here for each other![size=4]Text[/size] I understand your frustration with a back slide, I always feel that way too. My husband always reminds me though that they call it chronic depression for a reason. It isn't just a "down time" that you can "pull yourself up out of". We are all here for you hon! Kelly

Hi WishingWell: Glad to see you are back :-) I'm sorry to hear about your recent experiences with depression/anxiety. I can imagine how humiliating something like than can be, although if it were me I'd want it to happen in front of my family vs. the rest of the world. At least you know that with family they love you and want to see you get better. When I read your topic title - "My heart is breaking" - it touched MY heart. Those four words convey so much meaning to me because there have been times in my life when I literally felt that my heart was breaking or going to stop all on its own because of the immense pain and sadness I was feeling. I am so sorry that you are feeling the way you do right now - I've been there. I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel any better other than I don't think you'll feel the way you do forever. My thoughts are with you.

Wow it sounds like you've had a pretty rotten time lately but you have the right attitude. Take it one day at a time and work at being positive. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. I think we never realize exactly how far down we are until we look back and see it. I am feeling better day by day (probably the drugs) ;o) and I find I look back now and marvel at how I was able to keep up the facade for so long. Like I said before we'd all have pretty lucrative acting careers if we could just channel this stuff the right way. And now you've kinda hit bottom there is only one way to go now....UP! As for your psychiatrist...what is with that?? Why would you see a psych, because you have a problem you need to work out. Are they not trained to deal with this? I am a little confused as to why after you've had a major depressive episode why they would chose to drop you. I don't really understand why they wouldn't stick by you and help you through. I am really confused I thought this is what they do. Sorry to vent but that makes me angry! Please don't take offence to it. Not much of a "bedside manner" if you ask me. Just remember up, Up, UP! :)

Wishingwell, Stay strong. Take as long as you need to finish the program. We all realize that this is an extremely tough thing to do. But it's the right one. Keep close to the site, we are all here for you! Take Care, Melanie ________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

Hi Josie, Thanks for your support and for Melanie H's too. At first I wasn't sure if I could continue working this program or not or even had the energy to, but I will try. If it takes me three times as long to complete the program, so what right? who's counting. See at least some of my humor is returning. I'm thinking about joining a gym near my home, but only on a monthly basis, just in case I don't like it I don't want to waste it. Again, Thanks Josie for doing what you do, perhaps no one has mentioned lately that this can be hard work and sometimes draining, but it can. What you and the other support team members provide is hope and support for us to lean on when we are unable to find anyone or anythng to support us, YOU are there for us. We do appreciate the time and effort you give to all of us. Sincerely, Wishingwell

Wishing, We are glad to see you back and in better spirits. Take the time to work with your doctor and take some time for yourself. You can do this, and the support here is invaluable. Take it one day at a time and know the progress that can be made. Let us know if we can help, Josie ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team.

First I'd like to say I've missed chatting with my buddies online, but I've been away for away getting some needed help. That's the humbling part. It's been pretty tough to admit that I couldn't do it any longer alone, that is keep my depression to myself and expect to get better. Eventually, something or someone would find out and they did. I chose the hard way to reveal to my husband and friend and parents that I am experiencing severe depression and cannot go on this way anymore. Too bad I chose the route I did. I ended up being involuntarily hospitalized two times within a week and a half and scared my family terribly, which was not my intent. I deeply regret the pain I caused as my 8 year son had to see the paramdedics take his mom unconscious to the hospital. Not a pretty sight. I feel so ashammed of my actions, but I was not in my right mind. That's the awful truth about depression, it violates the space in your head where truth and wisdom lies and replaces it with lies and instant gratification, not thinking about how the people you love will feel. I am really trying to think positive since I got out of the hospital about one week ago. Since then, my psychiatrist dropped me for being hospitalized twice, so I am now seeing a new psychiatrist hopefully one who is more compassionate and understanding of the nature of this disease and not punitive. I am also on an increase of meds and will start marriage counseling soon. Don't know the outcome of that either, but I will try. That's all I can do for now is give it my all one day, one hour at a time. I also just bought a book someone recommened and it seems like a good one. It's called Depressed and Anxious by Thomas Marra. Hope it helps with all the therapy I'm getting as well. I'm just going to wrap myself around things and people who are positve and who are nonjudgemental and try to be a positive influence. My new psychiatrist feels I should stay out of work for at least 4-6 more weeks due to the nature of my job, which is without pay, but I desperately need this time off to think about my life and my future and make the needed changes in my life to get better. I just want to thank all of you who have been supportive and have been wondering where I might have been since I haven't be