Wishingwell, You're a sweetie. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I know you're right about everything you said. It's funny that it's so easy to tell others how to treat themselves better and such but never take our own advice. Thank you for reminding me of that. I have been trying to be more positive but it just seems like every time I just scratch my way out a little something else happens and I end up back in the mire. I am holding out and hoping that once I see my Dr that things will be a little more in perspective. I hope all is well with you darlin. Take care of yourself :)

Rayne, Read the message I wrote above as I can just say ditto to you. Same reason why it's taken so long to get back to you. Tonight I said forget it, the light is coming on. I poured my heart out back to you and took a long time in writing my reply then poof it was gone. I had to just go to bed I was so upset. First of all, don't call yourself a slug, lazy or any other name ok? There's too many other people in the world ready to put us down. It is a vicious cycle that keeps feeding our depression with more fuel. The only way to stop it I think is to quit putting gas in so it will run out. If only it was that easy. Yes another big problem for me is paying bills. I usually do this weekly, and balance the checkbooks too. But now it takes so much for me to do this even when there is money in the bank it doesn't matter, I can't concentrate very well and it overwhelms me. Right now I have a huge stack of bills on the kitchen table and have tried to pay them for the past 3 days. Last month I had a few late charges too, and this month I don't know yet. Cooking forget it, my family is lucky if I cook one meal a week, maybe two. I just don't have an appetite and have lost 20 pounds in two months. Now I want to lose even more weight, so I restrict what I eat and I hate to cook now. Rayne I am really trying to get better as I know you are too and I am sure everyone here wants to have a better life and be happy with who they are, where they are and where they are going in life. I recently bought a meditation tape that helps you drift into a hypnosis like state of relaxation. It really calms you down is soothing. Everything you said was great and I really needed to hear it. I too like helping others, but sometimes it becomes overwhelming and then there's nothing left to give when you come home. At least that is what happend to me. If you said how you feel and it made you feel better then you said enough. However, if there is a part of you that is still not feeling good, then keep sharing cause you probably have a lot more to say. Thanks for opening up and helping me and others Rayne

Hi Gabbi, Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you, but you wouldn't believe it if I told you. I was so angry with myself that I didn't know if I wanted to scream or laugh. I have actually responded back to both you and Rayne over two times, but since I use the computer late at night, I do so without the overhead light on. Well I am just about done with this long reply to both of you and wouldn't you know I am about to hit the send message button and instead I hit some other key and everything disappeared. Not just once, but two or three times. You would think after the first time I would have learned. Oh well thought you both would like a good laugh at my expense. Now first of all you don't have to appologize for I know how it feels to be a yo yo with your emotions and how each day can bring on a new set of challenges. I am sorry to hear your depression is back again, but I am glad you have a husband who is supporting you and not critical or demanding more than you can do. Do you know why you feel numb towards him and have a hard time loving him like you did before? Where do you think your anger comes from or do you know? I finally realized that after living in a relationship that is emotionally abusive at times and lacks human contact, showing any real kind of affection on a daily basis is difficult for him. It makes me feel so lonely, sad and unloved. My anger I believe is just years of putting up with the emotional abuse, hurt, loneliness, and intimacy that married couples should enjoy. I too pretend to the world that my life is complete, my marriage is perfectly great, my job is wonderful and life is the best, when I feel like I am dying inside. I am not working right now, but might go back in a few weeks after my next appt, I am not sure. But I don't want to tell my co-workers if I do decide to go back, I don't really trust anyone at work. There's too much gossip there. I like being home and I don't get bored at all. Before I used to be an inside person rarely going outside, but now I have started to do things outside in the yard and I like it. It seems to help with the depression and improve my mood. I want to thank you again Gabbi and I am crossing my fingers that I can send this message this time before I erase it all.

Hi Rayne, Thanks for sharing all of this here with us. It really can be very beneficial to do this. Sounds like you have a great new outlook. We look forward to hearing from you again soon. Casey ______________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

I can certainly regale you with my story but I will condense it, Hopefully. YES I have trouble doing chores! When I get down I am the biggest slug I have ever known. I CANNOT move from the couch (cable tv does nothing to help move me either) This in turn depresses me even more, which keeps me from doing, etc....it's a vicious cycle. I have been lucky that having been off for so long I have actually accomplished quite a bit. My house has been a mess for as long as I can remember. Mainly because my ex was a pretty big hoarder so when I took over the house he naturally didn't take anything with him and never helped to clean out the clutter that had accumulated over the last 10 years. I do feel very happy that I have managed to do so much ( I actually do not have any rooms that are 'unusable' anymore!) This for me has been a Godsend in itself. I know part of my problem was the clutter and knowing I didn't have the time to clean it away. I am exactly the same way...if I don't have time to clean it I have an anxiety attack and do nothing at all. The laziness is of course from the depression. I also find that many people that I've talked to (that have depression disorders) also have organizational problems....this is also one of my problems. I find that I've even noticed that my thought patterns are cluttered. I find it hard to focus on one thing at a time and most often cannot. I also noticed that if I take notes on something that I will write all over the page as opposed to keeping it in order. I don't know if this helps at all but I feel like I'm the only person that does this. Do you do this at all? I avoid bills because they are stressful so quite often end up paying late charges. I don't feel like cooking because if I cook (something like pasta) I will eat like a cow. This in turn freaks me out because I've gained 10+LBS since going off work. (I am relatively short so it looks like alot on me). It is all incredibly overwhelming but every day seems to change. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. I know about not feeling right because I'm there. Things just don't quite add up to "me". I'm me on the outside to anyone seeing me (I wish I could quit putting on a happy face for everyone! I just don't know how to show my true feelings to others) but in

Wishingwell i am sorry i have not been here for you i have not been up to it my depression is back and i do not have the energy or motivation to do much that said i have still been functioning(barely) i have been like you and only doing what has to be done and everything else can wait but then im hard on myself for not doing much then the guilt sets in and makes me feel worse so i relate to what your feeling.Im sorry that your husband is unsupportive my hubby has been trying real hard the past couple of weeks but i still cant find it in me to love him like i did before i just feel numb towards him which is distressing me a bit i have that lack of emotion that you mentioned i make myself pretend everything is ok but inside i feel so much anger towards everything but i continue to pretend.Anyway enough about me just wanted to let you know i understand these feelings you are not alone.I hope things get better for you and evryone else here soon.As for returning back to work do you think it would help to have that routine back rather then being at home with nothing but your thoughts?And if its too much then give yourself permission to leave,you could tell your coworkers that you were dealing with a personal matter,a family crisis but you know the best thing you could tell them is you are dealing with severe depression.Its amazing how many people will understand even a little and if they dont who cares you need to worry about you i have spoken up about what i am going through and have so much support from people around me.You dont have to suffer alone.Take care.Gabbi.

Hi Rayne, Glad you're back too! Sure missed you. But before I share what's going on with me, I want to know what is really going on with you. That is if you want to share. It's hard to tell your own story sometimes and a lot easier to listen to others, but you need to throw all your trash out too. I do have shoulders to lean on. When you had a setback was it your medication or a specific situation? I am trying to figure out these things myself. Please reply and let me know ok because we all need each other. Today I saw my psychiatrist and he increased one of my medications Wellbutrin XL to 300 mg along with the other meds I am taking. I had to fill out a depression form. I informed him I needed his clearance before I could return back to work tomorrow, but he thought I should stay out of work for a few more weeks perhaps even a month until my depression and anxiety is mild. I had mixed feelings about this, relieved and then worried since eventually I have to go back to work. I have really been stressing over this and now that I don't have to work for awhile some anxiety is gone. Could you tell me if you experience any difficulty with completing your household chores, doing your bills, laundry, cooking etc? I have either been extremely lazy or this depression has zapped all the energy and motivation out of me. My husband has been very critical about this and still doesn't understand. I am starting to become angry again, which is not good. I stood up for myself and told him this is why I didn't go to him when I was in crisis last month. Why would anyone go to someone who is going to be critical, not listen, and insensitive? My husband made the comment how I have not done anything around the house for months, so why do anything now, in a very sarcastic tone. Is there anybody else out there having this type of problem with either motivation and or lack of energy to do much around the house. I basically only do things that absolutely need to be done. I feel so overwhelmed, so I don't even do them, until he makes comments to hurt my feelings and then I get so angry I force myself to do what I have to do. Rayne, I don't have any suicidal ideations anymore, and I don't think I am that depressed, but I just don't feel right and I can't put

Hey Wishingwell! Anything I can do to help (listening or talking about experiences) I am more than willing to do anytime. I find it helps me to feel better to help others as well as get it all out of my system. And sorry for the delay in my reply I didn't go online again for a bit...had a little relapse but seem to have come back out again for the most part. I still have a bit of a "dead" feeling inside but it is better than the depression (that really frightened me). I still feel like the dead feeling is keeping me from being "me". Does that make sense? Anyhow...yes I do feel comfortable talking to you and am thankful that you (and others) are here for me to help work things out. Thanks again and I am hoping you are fareing well. ~hugs~

Rayne, Just want to say you have been a great help to me and very comforting even though you are a continent away, you feel like you are just around the corner. I'm sharing more with you and with others on this site than my best friend, husband or family. I hope you feel as comfortable in discussing anything that you need to as well and we are all here for you too. It's so true though about trying to fool yourself and others for so long and then having to ask for help you suddenly don't know where to start or where to go. I am at the point now of almost not caring about what others think at my immediate family knows, but I don't know how I am going to act at work, that's going to be different. I keep my personal life from my business life, which is best. But now that I have been out of work for awhile, it will be awkward going back and not knowing how to respond when my coworkers ask what was wrong or why I was out. I just feel it is none of their business, but how do say that without being rude? Oh well Thanks again, Rayne

Hello Wishingwell, I am so glad to see you back again! I know exactly what you mean about being strong. I did it to myself too. I kind of regret having everyone think that I'm okay and don't need help of any kind but I didn't like anyone knowing I have weaknesses either. Catch 22 eh? It is hard to ask for help but once you get used to opening up and asking it does get easier. And you know it really helps me to try and help others. I am sure you are the same way. Keep writing and we'll keep responding, and we will all get through this together (even on opposite ends of the continent!). Take care darlin', I wish you the best.