Hey Gabbi and Kelly,
Thanks for the posts and encouraging words. Things here are about the same, only now the crying jags have set in. I tried to be productive...at work, I pretty much worked straight through my shift without taking much of a break or lunch...I picked up the laundry and something to make for dinner on the way home...I put away the boxes of Christmas decorations (finally...took the tree down Sunday). With all of these accomplishments, you would think my productivity meter would be on an even keel...I even took a walk around the gardens (yes, all has died back or resting for the winter (in PA here))seeing how things are settling...this usually soothes me, but again...I feel so alone and out of control (of sorts).
It's funny...I had a run of two great months where I felt good mostly every day and even held off going on another medication because of this. I am scared now that the two months were the fluke and this is how things really are.....Will this ever end???...I am sorry, I am not (trying) to feel sorry for myself...I just get trapped sometimes...so much so that I don't even feel that I am living my life...I am viewing everything through some other person's eyes.
I am so tired....physically and emotionally. I do, at time, wonder if this IS all worth the work or would it be best to just let go and see what comes of it. Let nature take its course; as it were. Don't worry...I am not, nor have I for over two years now been thinking how much better off people in my life would be if I just drove off the side of an overpass. Sad that the only thing (back when it was a big thing on my mind) that kept me from doing it was that nobody would benefit from it. Scary, isn't it.
I am sorry that I am unable to write something happy, funny etc. Things around here are just a little too gray for me right now. I wish I could get the cbt buddy thing to work on my computer...direct connection/interaction would be a great benefit for me when I get like this.
Again, I thank you for your help. I am going to go lie down for a little bit. Maybe it will help. Who knows.
Peace to you.
