try i just wanted to check in and see how you were feeling today. my concern for you is great especially since you are so young and have so much more to go through. when i was young my parents just thought i was rebellious. they never understood that i had an illness. that caused so many problems between them and i. i hated them for years and in fact hold some resentment for them not "doing more" for me when i was younger. i should have been in therapy years and years ago. i would alot further with my progress that is for sure. i so wish i knew what to say to make you feel better but as we all know here there is nothing to make it better. i wonder if you have been able to speak with counselers at school. some other adult that can help or maybe speak to your parents. its so complicated, this illness. i find that it is mostly about sheading tears and being afraid. and when we do find happiness we tend to second guess it. wondering why we are happy instead of enjoying. or not even believing it at all. i have been where you are now, except for applying myself. i never did. which i so regret. i choose to self medicate, not knowing i was doing that then. i did everything i could do deflect the attention of hurting away. i was sexually active at a young age and did alot of drugs. my parents now seem to try to understand more than they did way back when. at least they listen a little more. ignorance is bliss. it really is. i know my parents live with guilt now and i almost am glad. i know several of us have made our points that you push yourself very hard. maybe that isnt bad. maybe that is just your way of deflecting the hurt you feel. at least you do it in a positive manor and not negative like myself. how do you deal with all the pressure especially when you are feeling very bad? you definetely are an inspiration to me and im sure others. im sure the elders wish they would have applied themselves. im sure many of us have self medicated. some of us are even cutters. do you do that? i hope not. you seem so very mature. i truly believe that if you were in therapy you would blossom. you have the right attitude for therapy and you want to heal. as i have said a million times to several people...i am here. if nothing else other

Batty: Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate it. I'm not on any meds really since I never went to a psychiatrist. I've suggested it to my dad once but he just brushed it off and told me that I have too much time on my hands. I don't intend to sound presumptuous but yes, I do believe that I'm creative. In fact, before I moved to my current school the teachers from my former school let me take a gifted program admission test. The test included a creativity part and I passed it with a 99%. I know that there has to be at least something positive in my life, but I focus on all the negative things (mostly by my volition) because I'm just a pessimistic person. But sometimes I look back to the past year and recollect my triamphant moments after school-related achievements and they usually make me feel better. The thing is, I can't dwell on these memories, the future is still too unpredictable and I don't know if I will achieve (my dad's) goals. Thank you for understanding, and you are right, my father doesn't understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm what my parents put on the stake in a gamble of their lives, only that they can't afford to lose, and I MUST achieve their goals. In the other thread, I talked about the cheating incident and how my mom told me that if I really can't get into the college my dad works at, they'll understand if I really tried. But that's what she said, and maybe she will understand but I don't have much hope about my dad. Every morning when he drives me to summer school, he'd lecture me, and I remember him saying "If you can't get into (the college they want me to go) you can only go to (a state university) and it costs just as much, and I will not let you go so you can only get into community college and maybe transfer after a couple of years." What he said almost made me shudder. His words right there was clear, I only have one choice, go to the college of his dream and there is NO turning back. I feel so restrained. I also can't ignore the pressure because I constantly worry about my future, what if I can't get in? I don't dare to think about how my dad would react. Sometimes when I ran late writing my diary, my dad would get furious again, he'd tell me to go to sleep early (there isn't anything wrong

We are all listening :) You may want to involve a counselor to help you express yourself. See if there is any group therapy in your area. You can look through the program for your own assistance, but you will need some outside resources to help your parents in understanding you are your situation. A doctor can assist, as well as a therapist. Take it slow and approach with ease and caution. You can do this, step by step. We are always here for you and we can listen. Hope this helps, Josie

try so hard. glad you are back posting. i think you concern me more than others. you are so young and deal with so much stress and pressure. i wish i had some profound words that would make you feel better. i dont. all i can say is that all of it is just the illness. it isnt who you are as a person. it is awful but it is what it is. i wonder what meds you are on and how they are working. seems like you have some really hard times. you are so very smart. i can tell that through you posts. are you creative as well? do you have anything positive we can discuss? i am much older than you but we have some common ground. i can empathize with how you feel. i just wish you didnt push yourself so hard especially when you are having such a hard time. i understand your father pushes you alot. maybe he just doesnt understand. my parents never did. to this day they say things like...just smile, it will get better. or...think of all the good things you have. stuff like that. it moronic but it is how they cope. the minimize it and for them it makes them feel better. like they have contributed. i dont speak to them about my illness because i dont want to hear stuff like that. it makes it worse, for me personally, to hear that stuff. if it was that simple i would have done it years ago. its not like we enjoy or embrace these feelings and/or thoughts. so, i just wanted to reply to let you know someone was listening. if i can help let me know. take care.

Half of my summer break slipped away under my subliminal knowledge, and I don't think my mental state ameliorated at all. If you had read some of my posts in my old thread http://www.depressioncenter.net/support/viewmessages.aspx?forum=1&topic=912 you'd know a little better, but I guess you all are tired of me trying to draw so much attention to myself. I'll just get to the point here. I amazed myself by knowing how many grotesque thoughts I've had recently. Even when I was bullied few years ago, I don't think I've thought about killing myself, but now, they are my quotidian rituals. My emotions fluctuates so much everyday and I don't even know what the hell I want, although I do know that my dad plays a main part in my distresses. My dad lectures me every friggin day about just every friggin thing mainly about school, my grades, and about college. I've worked so hard the past year but he just... isn't satiated. Everyday this summer, I go to summer school by my own will to prepare for the SATs and to get ahead in school, yet nothing seems to be enough. When my dad returns from work, he'd sometimes see me watching TV or using the computer. He'd get really enraged sometimes and tell me I shouldn't do that and I need to do more study, and memorize more vocabularies. Yet he's the one who hypocritically tells me how my physical health needs a boost and I need to relax more... not by watching some TV or getting on the computer, but to just write more... He says that my handwriting is horribly inferior and he lectures me often about it. He says that when I practice my handwriting (while memorizing more vocabularies) will calm me down, but he doesn't even have a clue how MUCH I JUST WANTED TO TRULY RELAX AND ENJOY THIS SUMMER. It makes me furious sometimes how my parents don't have a friggin clue about anything. I've had nightmares EVERYDAY for the past TWO weeks. I'd dream about deaths, my dad's lectures, and all those horrible things, daily. When I told my dad, he got concerned, but sometimes he'd tell me that I'm the reason why I'm having the nightmares. Everything was fine today, but that wasn't till after dinner, it all went downhill. It started out with my parents suggesting we take a walk. I don't like to take walks especially on Sunday ni