Everyone, The Depression Center was designed to support individuals with Depression. Our Support Specialist are not trained to help individuals who are having suicidal thoughts. I have followed this thread and am very impressed by the support from other members. During these times please get the help needed by calling your family doctor or call 911 to talk about how you are feeling. Ask a family member or close friend to take you to the nearest emergency room. If you live in the USA, dial directory assistance and ask for a 1-800 suicide hotline or go to http://www.hopeline.com to get contact information for a suicide hotline in your area. The Depression Center is a site to support individuals who are not in the crisis stage. Please continue to support on another and please continue to seek professional assistance. It is beneficial to use all the available resources. Please let us know if we can assist you. Keep Strong, Josie ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team.

Thanks Bella & Bob, I appreciate your kind words and advice. Well, I've made it this far. It's just so frustrating being this low. I still have such an incredibly heavy weight on my chest and I just can't cheer up. I've been trying to talk to people, watch funny movies, etc... But, I just am not into anything. All I want to do is crawl back in bed. Nothing even tastes good, I've always loved sweets, and probably for the first time in my life, I'm not even craving cookies nor ice cream. I just wish something could snap me out of this. And, the mental health system here is really messed up. I mean, I must have called 40 or 50 doctors. Most of them weren't taking new patients. Of the ones that were, most of them did not accept my insurance. Finally I found two, but, as I expected they could not schedule me in until next week. It really seems as though to get immediate help you actually have to attempt suicide and fail. Well, thankfully, I am still able to resist those thoughts and urges. So, I'll just keep trying to hold out until things get better. I have my first therapy appointment tommarrow morning. Hopefully that will offer some releif. Thanks again for all your support. It is greatly appreciated.

indesperateneed you have my empathy. if you commit suicide or totally come apart, you are of no use to anyone. You are young. you have many years to live. if you think that there are opportunities to improve your health you should take them. everything else is really much less important than you think. if you are healthy you will do just fine with your combination of talent and education. personally i should have dealt with my depression much earlier in my life. money and relationships do not compensate for the many "lost dark years". take care... bob

'tweek' means adjust by the way! i'm from across the pond and realise there might be some language problems!!

Hello indesperateneed - you paint a very real picture of what you're going through and that makes it easier to relate to you and i recognise so much of it in myself! you say that you know what a therapist will say and what s/he will suggest, but you are an individual and what is happening with you will be different to what is happening to someone else ie finding out your internal landscape will be revealing to you, even though the therapist has overall skills in bringing it out. it is a journey (oh! it's so hard to write what i mean because it sounds to cliched!) but, yes, it is a journey and you find out stuff about yourself that is so obvious when you see it and see how a certain pattern of behaviour or thought is causing you harm and to just tweek it will deal with a lot of anguish or lack of self-acceptance. it does sound like you have problems accepting that you are in depression and need medication. also that you may feel you have to 'carry' other people - that you're the 'strong' one? are you the oldest among your siblings? the most 'successful'? you probably know that family members fall into roles sometimes and someone usually takes on the caretaker role (often the oldest but not always). it might have been a help to have talked to your sister and may have shown that you had faith in her to 'carry' you for once, also that this was something you could share together. it can't be helping your depression if it is repressed, even from your husband. obviously i don't know what relationship you have with your husband and you may feel it is appropriate to hide that you are suffering in this way - but it may be that he could be trusted? only you can know this. being 'strong' by hiding you are suffering from depression won't give it the space to heal. once again a cliche, but such a dark time can be enormously rewarding in terms of what it teaches you about yourself, leading you to love and accept yourself more and also leading to more intimacy in relating? just a thought and throw it out if it's not appropriate! love bella x keep going!

Hi again, Indesperateneed. It might also be a good idea to have a physical. I believe you said you were 29, is that correct? There can be other physical reasons that might also be contributing to your depression. At 30, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. This also causes depression in women. If I had not discovered my hypothyroidism and gotten it under control, anti-depressants would not be helping my depression either. I also am learning to restructure my negative thinking through cognative therapy. It really does help. Another wonderful way to combat your depression is through exercise. This is a natural way of releasing your endorphins to work their magic. Take a walk or a bike ride. You will be amazed what this can do for you. I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. You can beat this ... do not give up. We are here to help when you need us. Take care. Bea

Thank you Bella and Bea, I am feeling a little better at the moment, I just know this is a constant battle for me. I am currently taking Cymbalta and Ativan. The medication seemed to help for a while, but now doesn't really seem to do much besides keep me calm and rationale. Unfortunately, it does not change or diminish any of the negative thoughts in my brain. What is really embarassing and hard for me to deal with, is the fact that I sell Cymbalta, and I have so much education on depression. I just feel like the earth's biggest hippocrite. Which is why I am having such a difficult time trying to reach out for help. I feel as though I know what a therapist would tell me to do, and I feel as though maybe I need something more than medication. I finally got up enough courage tonight to call my sister. This was really hard for me, because I don't want her to worry. No one really knows how bad I feel right now, except for you guys, here on the internet. I am doing a really great job fooling everyone else around me that everything is fine and that I'm as happy as ever. But, unfortunately, I think my husband is starting to notice, which scares me, because I think he might judge me, become scared of me, and leave me. Also, now my sister has some insight into what's going on with me. I just don't want to be thought of differently. I am soooooo scared to get help, but I need it sooooooo bad. I actually took another big step (for me anyway) and I called to psychiatrists in my area, and left messages. Now, my biggest fear is that they won't be able to see me for some time. From working in the buisness, I know that it usually takes 2-3 weeks to get an intake appointment. And, the usual response if you say that you need one earlier, is "well then call 911 or go to the ER." I appreciate your feedback sooooooo much. It really makes me feel as that I'm not alone in this. I wish all of you the best and hope that I can get through this. I have heard the phrase that "this too shall pass." And the logical part of my brain knows that that is true. It just feels as though the emotional part of my brain is winning right now. I have been randomly crying all day (for no reason what-so-ever), I am having horrible stomach pains, and now a pain under my righ

Hello Indesperateneed. I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. I just have to tell you that you must not be ashamed that you are dealing with depression. MDD is an illness, just like diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. The only difference is the stigma that has been attached to it because the illness stems from the brain ... so therefore, "mental" illness, right? That is just not the case. MDD is a chemical imbalance and can be treated successfully. If you are on a certain medication and not feeling any better after taking it for a few weeks, then perhaps, it is not the right medication or dosage for you. You must see a doctor and work with the doctor to get the combination just right for you. I am on Cymbalta. This particular medication is working for me along with cognitive therapy sessions with my doctor. I'm doing so much better now that my sessions are now every three weeks. I was suicidal also about 2 months ago. I know what you are feeling, but there is hope if you are willing to do whatever is necessary. I hope this helps. You are not alone. Never give up hope. Bea

Hello indesperateneed - i am so sorry you are suffering so much at the moment and feel so trapped. i identify with that very much, though at the moment things aren't too bad for me. do you know the phrase 'this too shall pass'? it sounds so glib but it does, it really does pass - though when you're in it you don't see that. one thing i'd like to ask - are you on anti-d's at the moment? i know you say you sell them but if you sold heart medication and then needed it yourself would that be any different? you must know that depression is for the large part often a case of faulty brain chemistry that needs readjusting, just as a diabetic needs insulin adjusted (though slightly different because that's usually permanent, whereas anti-d's aren't necessarily). i don't know if the stigma of taking meds for depression (or admitting to depression) is from you or from your profession (or both?). it is tough for you to make a decision and i don't live in the US so don't know how things work there. here (UK) we have telephone helplines that are totally anonymous. my, i have used those a lot and it does help to just talk, and for someone to be kind for no reason other than they want to be kind to me when i'm suffering. they are usually voluntary too and just that warms my heart and i come off the phone feeling better. i'm glad to hear talking on here has been a help to you. we all know what it's like on here to be suffering in this way and i hope this encourages you - it encourages me a lot. please keep posting if it helps and let us know how you're getting on? bella x

Sujo, Sorry, I forgot to say a couple of things. First off, I'm glad that you can't get your hands on any barbituates. I'm glad your here. Also, you are not alone. I'm sure your cat loves you and needs you very much. Sometimes I think that I love animals more than people. At least their love is unconditional. Thank you sooooo much for your response. I don't think you know how much it means. I was just sitting here hitting the refresh button, hopping that someone would reply. Thanks. I actually am feeling a bitt better just getting some stuff out.