you MUST see a doctor. you are NOT alone---i have been there---st. john's wort doesn't do much for me. amazingly enough, these feelings can be treated---antidepressant medication is something i never dreamed would help me, and it has literally changed my life. my god you poor dear, four years old and an orphan!!! you really have been alone all your life!! no wonder this is all so hard for you! believe me it does not have to be this hard. i guess you could say i've been alone since i was nine. my mother died suddenly, and my dad married a very violent woman (violent in all respects, physically, emotionally, ---intellectually---if you can fathom that---) and from then on even the simplest things became treacherous. when you are that young, your brain is still growing rapidly, and the experiences you have in those years will shape the development of that powerful organ. feelings are regulated in the brain and medication really can treat them. young brains undergoing trauma become stunted--the chemicals that regulate feelings in the brain can become disabled, and in a way it is like a physical crippling. in some respects depression is a physical disease and i never understood this. but, the brain is a physical organ. it's part of your body, and what happens to your body affects it: what you eat, how much you exercise, etc. the brain is no different. my experience was this: medication pulled me out of the black hole. i think my soul had literally become twisted from two decades of despair. even my thinking was distorted because emotionally i was so deeply anguished. my reasoning took tracks that now look very twisted to me. i was in a relationship that was the only thing that seemed to even temporarily relieve the sadness. in this man's arms, i felt safe and at home, and all the little things that fire off chemicals in the brain that make you feel good, worked at those times, for me. i was addicted to him----because of this. i was out of control----compelled back into his arms again and again, after which he would abandon me, sinking me back into depression, and creating that powerful need for those life-saving chemicals. i literally could not stop myself from going back to him. i was thoroughly controlled by this unconscious comp

hi if you would like to work on your social situation, try toastmasters, it sounds weird, but from my experience, it quite non-threatening and very moderate in its developmental pace. It has a very specific format and thus you have an opportunity to speak and be heard

Joegirl I read your post and found it very sad. I guess when we are given a life sentence, we do not argue anymore, we try help others and hold onto what we have. I was told I would die but still here today, it really makes me think, with all of the problems I have and still do - I have to say, I am lucky to be alive. Depressed as we may feel, there is help if others listen to us. I own two support groups, one for an illness I have called Essential Tremor - ET and other tremor disorders. Another one for Depression, I let the others make it a family place for themselves, of all ages. Cheers - Gaylene - Tasmania - Australia

I feel the same Cra-Z, I feel like I have no friends or family to be with, no emotional support, except for my husband. He is always there, but nobody else. I guess I should be grateful, but when depression takes a hold on me because of outside circumstances, or things beyond our ability to control, I feel ugly outside, because I am obese from medications etc. People talk about me too, I also try to put on a smile, and when they ask me I say I am so so..but really I'd like to tell some people off. They don't care if I feel bad or not, because most people are only interested in themselves. What a rotten world. Everybody who responded has to have some lousy things that happened to them over a prolonged period of time. I won't go into any more details, but I've been through many of the things other people have said too. I keep thinking maybe I need stronger meds, I don't know what to do.

i can relate. im too just got divorced 6 months ago from a 35 years of marrige. i moved 1500 miles away from the only family that i have ( 3 chilren ). here i know no one . i just stay in my apt. until the lonelyness take hold of me then i went to casino and stay there until all the money is gone then i went home and cry.

Hey there, I don't mean to be flippant but that's what psychiatrists and psychologists do! If you've seen one thing through this message board it's that many, many people have the same kind of feelings as you do. I think the dread of getting therapy is so much greater than what happens when you finally go. You have a place in this world and just as much right to be here and to feel good as anyone else. Believe me, I know, there are days when I think I could disappear from the face of the earth and there would not even be a ripple. But those feelings are coming from the disease of depression. They aren't me. It's human nature to want to survive. Depression pushes that instinct away and lures us into thinking about giving up. Please don't give up.

Thanks everyone... for understanding. I've read all the posts everyone left. And I am very surprised by the response I had gotten and how similar you all felt. Life for me is a bad day that happens everyday. I keep waking up thinking that the day is going to be better and come home at night praying for an end. Yes, I pray too for an end. I feel like I'm being punished for something. For being ugly, for not being a good person,... for being me. I come from a messed up family. I have tried to find help by talking to my doctor but they look at me like I just want to draw attention to myself. I've called for a psychiatrist appointment, but cancelled them all. I'm scared.. who wants to go into a doctors office and say that they don't want to live that they have a problem with themselves? It's getting bad because I can't look people in the eye, I can't concentrate, I don't even remember my kids birthdays and how old they are sometimes... I feel so angry and sad at myself for everything. I just want to be normal and be able to think without losing myself.

[color=Purple]Text[/color][font=Comic Sans MS]Text[/font]I also feel totally alone. I left my alcoholic abusive husband 5 years ago. I came to a town 70 miles away from the only family I have( 1 Sister) and my best friend. They never come to see me and I have made few friends here and only one comes to see me once and a while. I lost my job 1 year ago and can't find it in me to go get another. I would like to move to where I am closer to my best friend but I am stuck here due to my lease. I am not even quite sure I can rely on her , she basically ignores me now. My sister just got married 6 months ago and doesn't seem to want to be bothered either. I have no car so I am at their mercy when I want to see them. I just am having trouble coping with being alone. I loved my job and was happy when I was working but why can't I get off my butt and get another job. I feel stuck in my house most of the time. Any suggestions would be VERY helpful. Thanks

hello. i read your story and it really made me think. I am only 25yrs old and recently experienced having to go to a doctor and put myself "out there" and discuss how i was feeling to a total stranger(the doctor). I of course had a discussion with my husband first, but i realized that the only thing that can truely help is admitting there is a problem and seeking help for it. I was so scared to talk to someone and tell them what was going on, i thought they would judge me or even decide i had something wrong with me. I thought that because i'm so young they'd think i was making it up or being dramatic about my feelings and what i'm going through. But once i realized that no one can help me but myself, even a doctor can't help unless you let them, i quickly realized that i need to face my fears, admit i have a problem and try to figure out how to fix it, for me and my family's sake. So,anyway i hope you find the courage to get help and get better for yourself and your loving family. thank you for listening

Thank you for the sympathy Joe girl I appreciate it. To answer your question No I have not seen a doctor. I go to a family clinic in a hospital that now has changed my doctor three times in the past 5 yrs. So I really don’t feel comfortable speaking face to face with someone that I don’t really know. This media is different it seems like it can be a release but I am not face to face. I really believe that I could be a bit bi polar. If I go to work I feel really high all day until I come home then I crash and I crash hard. My mind is continually racing all the time and especially when I go to bed. I operate mostly on about 3-5 hours sleep per day. I get extremely irritable and I get angry very quickly. I can only handle a half day at work and my boss gets upset with me when I leave. I guess I should make an appointment to see someone but who to see and how do I go about asking for help from someone I don’t know?