Dear pink and blue, The part about doing the best, i can almost relate to everything you mentioned. And I guess there are more people, as they see this, can relate to these thoughts and experiences too. So we are not alone! Though it looks like we are once we step outside this forum. But by just remembering there are people in here who can understand and relate to these things, it's really a relief, isn't it? I can tell you that i might be 80-90% cured from my depression, but yet, can never leave those 'perfectionist' thoughts behind. Worse than depression, medicine can't help to curb perfectionism, it's just your habit, yet no usual habit, but your way of life that you won't know whether there's cure for it. Often, i am bothered by my plans of life into many sleepless nights. I ask lots of 'what ifs' and 'what shoulds' and 'what i ought to do'. As if life itself couldn't generate enough problems and my own mind decided to help by drowning myself with never-ending questions and regrets. And it really took me long to realize that it's perfectionism speaking. Even by the realization itself can't promise the end of such perfect wants in life. I guess i simply need to admit to myself that i am just a normal human as everyone on the streets out there, i need not and can not be perfect. No matter which road i choose, how much i could do in a day, there'll still be regrets by end of the day, so i guess content or not, happy or not, as old-fashion as it sounded, it's all in our hands, within our grips. And i am still learning to free myself from the perfectionist bounds :)

Thanks to everyone who has responded to me. Its amazing to be able to come back and check my post and see that there are actually people out there who understand. Becky-- I know what you mean about talking to family-- my family knows I have had anxiety attacks and that Im on medicine for it and I see a therapist, but my mom is a huge worrier, she likes to take on everyones problems as her own and then she'll get sick over worrying about us. Last year I kept my sickness from her, but it finally got to the point where I had to tell my parents i needed a therapist. But thats the extent of it. They didnt understand. Unfourtanetly my younger sister became manic this past fall, and my parents began to understand sort of what I had been dealing with and they felt horrible-- but at the same time my sister's condition was keeping my parents up worried. She's better now, but I can't help feel but slightly responsible for what happened to her-- I confided in her about my depression and panic attacks instead of everyone else. Shes younger than me and has always looked up to me, and I cant help but feel I contributed to her reaction to academic pressures. So i dont really want to burden my family. And I do feel like its a sign of weakness-- I know you say its not but I feel like so many other people are doing life and doing it great where I suck at it. Ladyblue-- fear of fear, I know that too well. Im scarred of being scarred, I anticipate the anxiety attacks, I anticipate the depression the never ending gloom. Maybe ill see about getting a better med than zoloft. szeyuet--I guess Im beginnning to learn Im a perfectionist. A modified version I guess but thats mainly becuase I cant achieve the best at everything these days. but I really would like to. And I realize I feel guilty whenever I do something that messes up my chances at obtaining that perfection. and that is often, becuse I guess life isnt supposed to be measured by how successful you are in comparisson to others. but still my depression has overriden happiness. What is happiness? I feel like all I want to do is spend time with my family, with my grandparents, becuase I love them and I know they wont be here much longer. But im stuck here at school, and I feel like what I used to think was the goal of m

Hello pink and blue...i also am new the site and find that i ned to vent here..I can relate to you because of all the symtoms we share..i just started prozac and today my depression was worst...finally this after noon it has subsided some...it was like a heavy cloud od no selfworth hanging over me....i tell you it was bad....i am tracking my eating habits and using the depression diary..god bless us on this journey..

Hi, i am actually feeling quite down today, but when came across your post, it reminds me back of the worst time i had before today, those of my depression days. I can sort of identify myself from your description of your experience. Mine happened back since high school, when i was trying to do the best, be the best at everything. Are you a perfectionist? If yes, then i can see we have more in common. The desire to be the best can be killing us slowly, stealing our own happiness gradually without notice. Sometimes, we are too busy chasing after something when finally at one point, we forget what we are chasing for, when look backward, we are proud of nothing, and forward, we have nothing to desire. And all of sudden, everything is meaningless. And then we are trying too hard to find back the meaning of life, as if it's like a piece of handkerchief we dropped on our way. But meaning of life, it's happiness is no object that we can find back easily on the road. It needs time, faith and patience. It can't be rushed. It's a journey that sometimes, we might me asking 'why me?'. All i can say is, treat depression as a friend that God had send down to you, like it or not, he will stay beside you till it's time to depart. I had to confess that for me, sometimes, i would rather hold on to this friend of mine cause he is all that i got at times and became my reason to live, to live for the better. Just like today, when i am down by other things in life, after reminded of this old friend of mine, those things suddenly mean so little to upset me now. Cause i can tell people i've been through worst. be patient is all that i can say. And sharing would ease half the pain.

Blue, Thank you for sharing your story. You have come to the right place. Please feel free to roam the site at your own pace. If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find our Depression Test. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. When you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your doctor. This may help better assess the situation. You will find lots of support within our online support community. These individuals are knowledgeable and helpful, and they can really make a difference. If you have any question or concerns with our site or please contact Support Department at support@depressioncenter.net. We are open to any questions or concerns you may have. Josie ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team. Edited on 3/31/2005 @ 9:39:12 AM by The Support Team

Hi pinks and blue, Boy have you come to the right place. I have felt the same way so many times. Why can't I just be normal? I don't have an answer for you that doesn't sound like a cliche. What I do is put one foot in front of the other and try not to think too far ahead. You know, just get through this hour and then worry about the next one. I do have a good therapist which helps. He says, among so many other things, that I get anticipatory fear -- fear of fear I guess. If you are experiencing so much anxiety maybe you should tell the doctor who prescribed the Zoloft for you. It does take a while for anti-depressants to kick in but it could be that you need something more for your anxiety -- I'm no doctor but it would be worth mentioning. For instance, I take anti-depressants as well as a medication for anxiety, which does help. (Makes me a little sleepy sometimes but that's better than the panic, at least for me.) I understand what you mean about your friends and family. Even the ones who truly want to help really don't understand unless they've experienced true depression and anxiety themselves. I tell my husband, "You really can't understand how I feel and I hope to heaven that you never do." I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've been in treatment a long time and I can offer you this, it does get better and there will be good times again. Normal? I don't know. But what is normal anyway? Keep talking to your doctor and use message boards like this one to express your feelings. You'll be amazed at how many people feel many of the same things you feel. take care!

Honey, You are sooo not alone. I have a VERY similar experience when I was in college. It is absolutely amazing what stress does to you. I had panic attacks and depressioin so bad. I was admitted to an inpatient facitily and that did help. I really do think you should talk to your family. I know right now it doesn't seem like what they say matters and that all the support in the world will not help. But it does. I was scared to death to tell my family for the same reasons, but I did. And they helped me through. We can help you as much as we can on here. But you need some type of support system that is physically there. The therapist can help also. They need to be there for you and help you, when you don't feel you have the strength. Soon, you will find that strength again and it will continue to grow day by day. Focus on that strength. Depression is not a sign of weakness. Pushing through life everyday with depression is a sign of strength. You can do it and we are all here to help you as much as we can. I am going through another bout right now. I don't know the cause or the reason why...possibly moving to a new city and starting a new job. I am luckily starting to get out of it...but it has NOT been easy, but then again nothing in life ever is. The thing is stay positive, even when you don't feel positive. Depression is a feeling that encompasses your life, but feelings pass...this too shall pass. You will come out and you will be stronger for it. Just a question....how long have you been on the Zoloft? That is important too. Well I am going to go, but keep me updated. Becky

Yah, I can relate to everything you said practically, but I think my depression started when I was young, and my father was an alcoholic. We all want to feel normal again. I think we all need to take it one day at a time. I don't feel like talking to anybody about my feelings either, because they won't understand, and they think it is terrible to talk that way. Personally, I believe my depression starts with generalised anxiety, or panic attacks around authority figures and people I look up to. When it occurs once, it tends to repeat itself. I just say to myself in a mantra like way that this is ridiculous, that it is not infatuation, as others will think it is, and try to go on. Sometimes I just want to die, and pray it was all over. I still take mild medications, and I have no therapist I can talk to where I live. I come here and talk online. Sometimes I do blame myself and think I am falling in love with someone else again, but I don't logically think that that is true. I cannot accept that. It has happened too long and too often to just be that. I want to feel normal too, but actually, I never have felt normal since I was a child. So I just keep going throught this life as if it were a large test of my loyalty to God, and if I pass through it well, then maybe in the next life, I will be all better and no longer be plagued with the big test.

Hi- I am new to this support group, although I have been suffering from depression for what I am coming to realize has been a long time. I am a college student in my second year of studies. My first year I became so obsessed with doing well that I literally spent from 8am until 2am in the library, whenever I wasnt in class. And i did very very well in all of my classes and the work paid off. But I kept getting sick--with undiagnosable sicknesses. Abdominal spasms, back pain, irregular heart beats... and finally we realized stress had gotten to me. And I started realizing that all the things that used to make me happy didnt do it anymore...if I wasn't fearfully anxious I was down on the life i wasnt having, but didnt have the motivation to do anything about it-- I tried to take summer classes and broke down half way through-- I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm seeing a therapist now and learning all about the history of my anxiety issues, and I've gotten over them.but now all I've realized is that really I'm majorly depressed. I'm taking Zoloft, but I feel like im in a downward spiral down. And in reflection, I can remember having 'if i can just get through another day things will be better..in the future...' thoughts since midhigh school. And finally I've hit this brick wall where I feel like, whats the point of it anymore? I'm never going to get better... I just want to feel NORMAL again. How do I get better, how do I 'do what makes me feel good' when classes are stressful and just the thought of how this depression is ruining my life makes me more depressed? I feel like I'm writing ya'll a book here, but I feel bad talking to my family because that causes them to worry like crazy about me and thats not fair to them-- why should they have to suffer to? I don't really have any close friends-- no one I feel comfortable talking to about depression-- I'm so caught up in putting on a happy face and convincing people that I'm okay that the very thought of telling them that I'm slowly going crazy and sinking deeper and deeper into this depressive hole doesnt seem like a good option. So anyways, I was wondering how some of ya'll DO it? How do you get through the day--doing the hard stuff where you have to concentrate and focus-- without just giving in to th