Thank you Sangha. I'm working on it.

Jensen, Are you sure stopping your meds is a good idea? You said you've been on them for 3 months? The anxiety that the SSRI cause is supposed to diminish with time but everyone's different. Maybe you should try another AD if the current one isn't helping. Career wise, yes I have basic knowledge of the graphics computer programs but like you I don't feel like staring into a screen all day and all week long, my eyes are bad and blurry as it is. Honestly I don't have a clue what kind of job I want. At the moment I am barely getting from one day to the next and my future is temporarily suspended. I can hope but dare not make any big plans. I realize I have to make small steps and set up realistic goals. As of now I feel like even an easy job will overwhelm me. Sitting at home all day on the other hand can be a torture. So this is the classical catch-22 of major depression we try to rise above and it's one hell of a fight. It's raining today in this cold, grey metropolis. Ladyblue, hope you feel better.

Thanks Jens! Hope things are going OK for you. I'm having a hard day but I see my therapist today so that'll help. Hang in!

Ladyblue: It does not sound trite to take things one step at a time. I do my best to do that too. I think it's good advice for everyone on here. Sangha: Thank you for your story. I used to smoke (cigarettes, never got into anything else) and drink too but I have trouble with headaches and both of those things started making my headaches just terrible and I stopped. Haven't smoked for 3 years. I still have a drink now and then but for the most part I don't touch it anymore. I thank God for those headaches, otherwise I'm sure I would have a serious alcohol problem on top of everything else. Art school sounds cool, but I guess your right, there's not stable employment in that. Do you do any graphic design or anything like that? I thought I might enjoy doing that but it would be hard for me to be creative 40 hours a week and I don't want to stare at a computer all day. I am interested in the health field. I was in an x-ray technician program but dropped out because it was so much more than I expected. I looked into being a veterinary technician because I love animals but that doesn't pay well...I'm trying to find something that will be stable employment and decent pay. I'm thinking about surgical technician now. The school I want to go to though doesn't seem to want to give me any information. I've called twice and they just tell me "someone will call you back shortly" but they don't. They have no idea how much stress and anxiety they are causing me. I'm glad you say you can't rot in your indoor isolation. I know how hard it can be to go somewhere and do something, but we can't give in to this depression!

Hi Jensen, Thank you for your story. It made my day a little easier to bear as I shift my own troubled mind to the outside world. Sorry to hear about your current struggle and hopelessness, hang in there, feel the solidarity expressed in this post by a person in a similar boat. I will share my history with you, to distract you from your self- consuming anxiety, the same one I am trying to keep at bay right now. I'm going through my 1st MD episode at 29 but my life has always had the potential for this. I have had a turbulent life and lived in terror as my parents fought constantly but gave me all their love despite of their imperfections. I came to the States when I was 14 and was a very shy individual, having to adjust and adapt to the new environment. I always felt like an alien even in my homeland where I was part of a hated minority. My father was over-protective and critical but failed to guide me in the choosing of a proper career as he himself struggled to fit. Eventually my parents divorced and my father moved back to Europe after suffering a depression himself. The ups and downs of my 20s were a result of my hyper-sensitive, rejection- obsessed psyche. I drifted in and out of relationships, had an erratic job history. I self-medicated with booze and smoke trying to find happiness in stupor. I finished art school with good grades but a bachelor degree in art is not your ticket to financial security and steady employment. So in 2003 after I was an admissions counselor at my school for 2 1/2 years I left my job because of my conflict with my boss. I also broke up with my girlfriend and lost my apartment. It was then I felt the early signs of clinical depression. I woke up in the middle of the night with heart palpitations and called the ambulance - I thought I was having a heart attack. So my life was getting out of hand. I moved in with my mother where I still live today. Over the course of the next year I was OK but still lacked direction in life. i found temporary escape in Europe where I visited my father in the summer. I finally succumbed to full blown depression last fall during a high-stress seasonal job. I messed up my sleeping schedule, was exhausted and my nightly panick attacks ret

So many times when we share our feelings we find that there are others who really can relate. I still think about that little guy. I'm sorry about your co-worker. It's funny how some people touch our lives so quickly. I'm glad you're feeling a little better. The sunshine does help, doesn't it? Sometimes I just picture myself taking one step at a time. It sounds trite but if I think about getting through the next hour, it's easier and less stressful than trying to figure out the rest of my life! Keep expressing your feelings wherever you can. If you post a message for me on this website, I will always do my best to respond promptly. Take care!

I am so sorry for your loss of that little boy. A few years ago a co-worker of mine was also violently killed. He had only worked there a short time and worked the night shift so most people at work hardly knew him and didn't understand my grief. I had trained him and had spent many hours working with him. A year later I had back surgery and the nurse in the hospital asked where I worked. When I told her, she asked about the murder. It was the first time I actually got to talk to someone about it and despite the heavy pain pills for my back, I remember that conversation clearly and how much it helped me. I know how much something like that can bring you down. Thanks so much for your reply. I'm feeling a little better today. It's sunny...was supposed to be snowing. I always think spring should make me happier as it starts to get warmer and stays light later in the day but spring always seems to be the worst time for me. I guess my brain is still thinking about the cold and can't take any more. I have been off my medication for 3 days now and am feling more clear headed. I had been on them for 3 months and had not realized what they were doing to me because it seemed to come on so slowly. I knew that anxiety attacks could be a side effect but I chalked up my anxiety attacks to where I am in life now with no job, no money, no direction in life...that would make anyone anxious. After the severe attack the other day though, I knew the drugs had a role in how bad it was. They weren't doing much for me anyway. I think I will continue hanging around this board for support. Thanks for making me feel welcome.

You are not alone. I have also been suicidal at times during my life. A little over five years ago a four-year-old boy who attended the school where I worked was killed violently. It sent me into a major depression which would not go away. My MD referred me to a psychologist who turned out to be my saving grace. I came to realize that I had probably been suffering from bouts of depression for most of my life. Now with medication and my therapist I am able to muddle through. Things still aren't great but they have improved. My psychologist is just a few years away from retirement which terrifies me because at this point, I don't know what I would do without his ability to help me keep things in perspective. Keep talking, on this website, or to whoever will listen. Take care.

Jensen, Thank you for sharing your story. Please feel free to roam the site at your own pace. If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find our Depression Test. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. When you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your doctor. This may help better assess the situation for the both of you. Our online support group is very knowledgeable and supportive. They can be of great assistance to you. Please post as often as you like, we are always here for you. If you have any question or concerns with our site or please contact Support Department at support@depressioncenter.net. We are open to any questions or concerns you may have. Josie __________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

Just reading other posts here is helpful in that I feel a little less alone. I am almost 34 and have looked back on my life many times to try to figure out where the feelings of depression began. I think it was when I was around 10 years old. Nothing in particular happened, but that’s when I first remember acting out but not knowing why I was doing it. I know now that I was looking for attention. Negative attention from getting in trouble at school was better than no attention at all. I played several sports for many years. Even with my sports abilities, I was always picked last for teams in P.E. class. To this day I don’t know why I never had many friends. I do know that some friends I did have faded away when my Mom would never let me do things with them like spend the night at their house. She didn’t want me bothering anyone. She never wanted kids and I guess she thought no one else would want me around either. After ninth grade I left sports because of knee problems. That’s when I really went downhill. I attempted suicide in my senior year of high school. I was hospitalized for a month. In my family we don’t talk about anything…we always act like everything is perfect. So when I left the hospital, the subject was never talked about again. Even at the hospital I felt like I wasn’t taken seriously and I actually got worse. I left home and got a job and felt a little better as I made friends at work and was away from my unfeeling, unsupportive family. I never really felt great, but the depression was manageable most of the time. Fast forward several years… Many things seemed to happen all at once that left me terribly depressed and crying all of the time. Often times I cried for no reason at all…someone at work asked me one day why our e-mail was down and I cried for an hour. I am not at all good at asking for help but I couldn’t take this anymore. I saw my doctor who had been my doctor since I was 14. He had been in the ER with me after my suicide attempt. He gave me a prescription for anti-depressants after I was discharged but when that first prescription ran out, I didn’t get any more. I don’t remember why but I’m sure it was because my Mom thought everything was fine and I didn’t need any more, and she didn’t want me bothering