Hi Jeff, I really like computers, but..............only when they work just fine. I spend the last couple of days trying to figure out why I had lost ALL of my information and had no longer access to internet. I did not yet figure it all out, but at least I am able to get on the internet. Now...that is a relieve. Anyway, I will respond to your post about relationship in the relationship section of this site. See you there..... Poes

Hi Poes, how are you doing?

Kelso, You are not alone. Your words echo so many of us out here, and so many more who haven't yet expressed it in words. When I'm out and about, I see that all people around me are just trying to cope with their own lives, the same as I. Seeing what they go through doesn't exactly make me feel better, but maybe a little more compassionate, and anyway it reminds me that we are all in the same boat, and the trip goes a little easier with this small awareness. The cause of your depression could probably be debated forever. Perhaps like me you are more sensitive to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and your upbringing filled your forming mind with unrealistic expectations of the world; expectations of fairness and general benevolence. Or maybe your upbringing filled you with pessimism. I don't know and shouldn't guess. It would be good if you continued talking about it. We will listen and reply. If it's any help, I outlined a couple things that help me on a June 12th post of this thread. As soon as I interrrupted any of these "therapuetic activities", the garbage thoughts started coming back, so it seems to be effective. One other thing I'd like to add is that talking to people who understand is a great relief, and you can find that here. Come back soon. Hi Poes, Those were some really lovely posts to Kelso and I. Thank you. Bedanks. You have a gift for explaining things, and you are very kind. So you are in Nederland. Where? I was stationed in Europe back in the '80's and made three trips there. You are right, tradition is stronger there, although compared to mainstream U.S., most places can say that. Traditional, and yet, Nederland has such progressive politics and social consciousness. Lovely, beautiful people. I had some wonderful experiences there. Once, I fasted while walking the canals from Amsterdam to near Utrecht. I got pretty hungry over the three days, hiking with a back-pack, but had a priceless experience. This sort of self-denial has been common with me, rebelling against the materialism I was raised in, but I've begun to think that it's wrong. As you emphasize, we've got to nurture ourselves the way we would nurture our kids, and be good to ourselves if we hope to be good to others, or enjoy a little happiness. I recently

Hi Kelso, No dearest, you are not enjoying your little pitty parties. But.....you will keep having them until the alternative feels better. A lot of things will keep us sitting on the couch or lying in our beds. Fear is a good one. Especially fear of failure. Do you have the need to be perfect? Overly perfect? Than that fear that you can not live up to your own high standards may keep you down in a hole. Here is what works: start to have a normal schedule. I know, I am going to sound like you mother, but I am too young for that. Go to bed at a normal time and get up at a normal time in the morning. Try this for a week, see how you feel. I quarantee you, you will feel better, mentally and physically. Eat healthy food. Think about this, whatever you eat, will come into your blood, which feeds your cells (yes, also the ones in your brain) and eat three times at day. You do not have to do it all at once, start by going to bed on time. Keep your daily chores. Do you have a house to maintain, bills to pay, animals or children to take care of. Make it a priority. Now.........you do not have to do that in an hour or perfect, just do the best you can and be happy with even small things that are different from how you are living now. I know, I really do, that the above just does not sound right. If you have no energy, how can you do all these things. Well, from time to time, we have to gently yet firmly PUSH ourselves into getting better. BE NICE TO YOURSELF. Please, do that, do not beat yourself up. You are doing fine. It is not suprising you want to be alone now. With depression a lot of emotions come in to play with you a little. Other people, especially the ones that expect you to be the good old you, are than a burden. That is okay too, cocoon for a while, live life at your own pace. More important, figure out who you are, what you like, dislike, what you are feeling or not feeling. Actually, you can make a great glorious trip to the inside of yourself. What you will find is magnificent. Scary, oh yes, very, very scary, but it will do you good. If you need help with that, seek the help of a professional. Really, they do work wonders. It has to come out one way or another....talking about it is better than trying to ignore it by sleeping or drinking or whatever e

Kelso, Please feel free to roam the site at your own pace. If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find our Depression Test. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. When you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your doctor. This can better help you assess your depression. The support site is wonderful tool for insight, knowledge and always support. You will find this very helpful in your recovery. You may also want to try our Depression Program. Take a look around and post often. If you have any question or concerns with our site or please contact us at support@depressioncenter.net. We are the Support Specialist for The Depression Center and are open to any questions or concerns you may have. Looking forward to hearing from you soon! Josie

Hello support group, I am looking for some help. This is very new to me but I figure I will give it a try. I'm 25 years old, almost 26. I am single, in my career job and have been severly depressed for 1 year now. It began as an anxiety depression caused by my very stressful work environment and demeaning boss. I had to quit that job and have moved on career wise but still I seem to be having the pitty parties that just are not quite working for me. Over the last year, I have isolated myself from my dearest friends, still having no interest in reconnecting, because I find more comfort in stangers and also I have had 6 months of professional counselling. Still I feel like I'm struggling..... I have no idea why? Daily, I am sleeping in, not motiviated to workout or taking on exciting projects and its like i'm kicking my former self. Unfortunately this depression thing is not a conversational piece with new people that I interact with. So I am looking for some tips, coping mechanisms. My family are all going through there own thing, each member on some sort of anti-depressant so to them I'm really depressed. I have refused taking any medication throughout the year, because I think there are deeper reasons as to why I find myself in these situations. I know I suffer from setting unrealistic expectations on myself and others and I am a very typical Type A go getter personality..... which sometimes I hate! Do I need to get on with things? Or am I enjoying the pitty parties where no one is invited. What should I do? I have random thoughts of attention seeking episodes that I never disclose to anyone, but I know that is not the path I want to travel. Also, when I run into people who knew me before, I regress further back because its a constant reminder of happier days? I'm completely open to suggestions and hearing any plans that worked for others....... Because I ultiminately know this is not where I want to be mentally for the rest of my life. Thanks for any or all the help you can give. Kelso :p

In 1999 I moved back from California to Holland. The major reason was that I could not get happy in the USA. It was not the country in itself, nor the people, but something essential to me was missing and no matter how hard I tried, I did not find it untill I moved back home. The other reason, and almost equally important, that I did want my kids to grow up in a place where children still play outside in the summer, where people still eat dinner at the dinner table with every one of the family present. In Holland we still do have a lot of traditions, that are, sometimes unconsciencely, woven into our day. I never regretted my decision, although I sometimes do miss the nice weather and fruit trees in my backyard. My husband still lives in the States and he comes to Holland 7 out of the 52 weeks of the year. Not perfect...I mean I did not get married to be alone most of the time, but I can handle it very well. Depression thaught me that, what it is like to make it work until a new balance has been found. I have learned a lot from my experiences. Looking back, the depressive episodes have enriched my life, since I have become such a different person. Parents can do a lot of damage to a child. It is crazy, to drive a car we need a license, but anybody can have a child. It should not be that way, but it is. As adults we need to fill in the holes that our parents could not fill for us. I have become my own best parent, raising myself the way I am raising my kids, with love and care and nurturing. The relationship with my parents now is very good, because of that. I do not wish for a better past anymore. I can not say we are the best of friends, but then.....I have no need to be the perfect daughter anymore and that way, I can see them for who they are. The relationship changed because they can see that change in me too. I completely trust and accept myself. Do not get me wrong, I am not always that together and still work through issues, but I have the tools to do it. I think Jeff, that you are doing very well. It is great to have such an interest in something. You are very intelligent, so soon you will be back up on your feet, higher than you have ever been before.

Your words about society and materialism ring true. They are precisely what I also believe. Capitalism, by its nature, exploits people and coerces them to be materialistic. Modern society leaves us lost and anxious, especially North American society. Once upon a time and for a million years we existed with little change. Nothing much ever developed except traditional ties and rites, which strengthen over time. Once upon a time we knew our roles and responsibilities. Then in the last two centuries, change began to accelerate at mind boggling rates. For many of us, it deconstructed our traditions, religions, values and familial and community ideologies! I think Joseph Campbell said it best. Derelicts of the modern age, many of us are left without rites, roles or role models, and spastically try to form new traditions, which are usually trendy and a bit off-center. Love and nurturing became viewed as sappy. And here's a quote about technoilogy and society by George Nelson: "Technology began as an extension of tools and as such brought uncounted blessings with it. Now, swollen beyond any conceivable human scale, it rolls along, a blind Moloch over-riding all needs of the human spirit, all traditions, customs, languages, races, ideologies. There is no one in the driver's seat." So it is no wonder that cultural exchange is a passion and pursuit of mine. Lately I've been focused on rites and roles, and how they are existing in the modern age. For example, all my adult life I've felt stuck in an immature stage, and in some ways self-fulfilled that prophesy. My upbringing was distant and unsupervised, and without any role model. My mother grew up in the fire-bombing of Tokyo and it helped make her an insensitive woman, like her mother before her (I can count the number of hugs that I received from my mom on one hand. She used to beat us occasionally; and beat one of my sisters regularly. This sister eventually became a homeless schizophrenic, her whereabouts presently unknown.) Anyway, with a distant and unsupervised upringing, I never had rites, roles or responsibilities, and I believe they are necessary. They create identity for a person. They help to allow a man to call himself a man, and to become a man, instead of an unrelenting rebel and iconoclast, which

When I was 12, I want to become an archeologist. My parents figured that was not a good career for a woman and so, by the time I turned 18 I went of to business school. My first depressive episode started right after. I believe because I had taken the first major step away from my soul. I think we are all born unmaterialistic. All we need as infants is love and nurturing to grow. Later in our lives, we forget those major basic needs and start, with the rest of western society, this hasty, stressful, want more, be more, do more lifestyle. Often what we are trying is to live up to other people's expectation, to become,what western society has labeled, a succesful person. Do not get me wrong, it is okay to have wants, to have wishes. I admit, I really like my comfortable home and the fact that I have a car that will bring me where ever I choose to go, but it is no coincidence that anti-depressive medication are on a scary rise in western society. I believe it is because we got away from our basic needs, love and nurturing. I think that is where the need to get away from it all comes from in so many of the stories that are told on this site. Western life is complicated. Our view of life is directed outward and we loose ourselves in the process. My way out of my depressive episodes came from turning my view inward. I toke charge of my life. I take responsibility for the ones in my life that depent on me for their survival, my kids and my animals. Every one else can vent for themselves. I no longer play the game of the perfect wife, perfect daughter, perfect friend and it is a great relieve, to leave other people's business where it belongs......with them. Strange things happen when one makes that decision. Some people may leave your life, because they can not handle your new found strenght. That may be scary at first, since it will give you the feeling of being more lonely. You are not alone, just in a transition period. New people, healthier people will come to support you. You may choose to no longer have certain people in your life. You know the ones I am talking about, the people that are poison to your soul. A new harmony within you will balance itself out. Do not try to figure out why people are leaving, it is not your responsibility. I know that some people

Hi Poes, Thank you for your reply and saying I do not sound whiny. I don't think I do either, and I don't think I speak whiny either, because I've always dreaded the thought of coming off sounding that way. I was just explaining why I've kept this to myself, until it ate away at me until I am what I've become. I am at a point where I need to talk about my problems, and so here I am doing it, thanks to all who come here. You've spoken twice now about anti-materialism. Would you believe that if anything, I am too anti-materialistic? It puts me slightly at odds with most people. I've been an avid reader of primitive cultures, especially the vanished cultures here in the desert Southwest U.S., and have entertained the dream of a rather primitive hermitage, either in the canyonlands or on the high seas, where I only look after the basic necessities: food, shelter, and companionship with like-minded people. The big problem is that a hermitage is a little short on the companionship facet! I realize I can't be that alone for very long, nor could I impose that on my daughter, even though she is usually up for adventures. Plus it would take some getting used to. But I'm rambling. You are right about keeping a reasonably clean house helps the psyche. I manage, but it's not quite "tidy". Throughout my marriage, our place was a dump. Now apart, we are both a little cleaner. The other thing I'd like to clear up is that I'm not working presently. My boss at the s-c-r-a-p yard (ssccrraapp yard)was easily the most abusive person I've ever worked with. He was so hot-tempered it was almost funny, like a bad TV melodrama. Precisely like Mr. Waturi in "Joe versus the Volcano", he yelled daily at everyone he thought he could get away with, including his family. And I took him to task for his tantrums one too many times and got myself fired. And never having been one to take assistance, my savings are about exhausted. So my first priority is to get a job. If only I could get out of this hole.