I haven't been in this place for years. My life has completely changed since my last panic attack, in approximately 2010. I've been through immensely stressful situations since, without having any panic. I considered myself "well" and didn't think about it in more than a passing sense.
I recently started care with a new doctor. She referred me to the PsyD in the office, who said that I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for panic disorder. She diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder. Since I was on such a high dose of medication (250mg of sertraline), she recommended transitioning me to another medication that might work better. Against my better judgement, I followed the taper schedule provided by the doctor. From 250 to 150 for a week, then to 100 for a week, then to 50. I felt fine.
I had to travel for work. Yesterday I met with my team. Afterwards we went out for dinner and drinks. Why, o why, did I think it was a good idea to drink alcohol? I hardly ever drink. Like, maybe twice a year. This was the worst time to choose. Yet I did, because it's a new job and I wanted to be part of the group.
This morning, for the first time in my life, a panic attack actually woke me from a sound sleep. I have sleep apnea, and was wearing a cpap device, which made things worse. I found myself right back at the beginning - in the bathroom, trying to throw up, crying, catastrophizing, being hypervigilant, all the things. I'm in a hotel room 90 miles across the mountains from my home. I'm expected to show up at the second day of training in 30 minutes. But I can't face anyone. My face is puffy from crying. I am still throwing up. I am exhausted. I've taken one and a half clonazepam and still feel like this - and I never take that medication. I called my lead and told her what is happening. This is a new job (>6 months) and I really don't want to lose it. I explained the situation and she is going to tell my boss what is happening to me so that I don't have to go to the training. This gives me a cushion to get myself back in shape, since I have to drive 3 people back over the mountains through a snowstorm tonight. I have the hotel room for 2.5 more hours. I so much want to sleep but if I lie still in the dark my thoughts race.
Is there anybody out there?
