Hi. I am not entirely sure what to write, but I feel that I am now at a point where I need to reach out to someone for help.
My girlfriend of two years split with me 8 month ago, and I haven't recovered ever since. I feel restless and compulsive. I feel like my life has spiraled out of control ever since. My professional life has been fine, but I have this constant compulsion to avoid being alone. I've moved from partner to partner, and I feel lower every time. I miss her, and I hate her. I cannot stop thinking about it all. I have nightmares almost nightly about it, about her with a new partner, about the break up itself, about everything that I couldn't do to stop it. More recently these dreams have started to take a more violent turn, where I have started imagining yelling at her in public, throwing water in her face, and at times even dreaming of acting violently against her. They feel so vivid, and I can't stand it. It isn't me, but I can't drive the thoughts away. I feel as though I can't escape it.
I'm like a broken record in my head. Alcohol and other things drive it away, and then I wake up the next day and hate myself because of it. I've lost my sense of passion for any hobbies or habits. I'm just constantly going through the motions. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I hate it, and I don't want to be this way, but I don't know what I can do to break it. I spend my mornings in bed staring at the ceiling, or obsessively flicking through my phone. I'm torn between wanting to see her and needing to drive her out of my life.
I've been battling this sense of impending sickness and this fear of death since my friend passed away in 2013 and it has recently surfaced since the break up.
I really feel like I am at my wit's end. I need help, and I really hope I can find it here. I still exercise regularly, and I keep to my old habits, but I can never save any money because of my constant need to avoid being alone - I have to go out and see people and be around others. All of my money is sucked up through partying, which leaves me hungover and stressed about my finances, but the idea of staying at home alone makes me feel sick.
I'm sorry that it sounds so dramatic, but I honestly have no idea what else to do anymore.