I think that I am finally coming out of the fog. That's what I've been feeling for the last 3 or 4 months, but with the reflections and journals that I've been writing lately, I think I've felt this way many more times before. I finally went to the doctor (for a prelim. check up) just to make sure that my symptoms aren't coming from another source - but it took a lot to get there. I've also set up an appointment with a therapist. That took too much time because I couldn't accept that I could be depressed, I felt I wasn't depressed enough - they won't believe me because I don't feel like killing myself. But, I know that I'm not okay. I'm a teacher and I never noticed how many times my students would tell me "miss, are you okay? you look sad. are you sick? you look tired..." I heard it first thing in the morning and instead of listening, or wondering WHY in the world are they asking me that, I'd snap at them - I hated hearing that first thing in the morning. I let it go so long that they stopped asking me anything. They don't know what to do - they walk on egg shells for me because they don't know if I'm going to explode today. The saddest thing is that I SEE this happening, but I can't help it and I can't change it - I try SO hard to smile and FEEL what I did when I first started teaching at this school, and I can't find that anywhere within me.
I've been searching for information about this everywhere, a part of me STILL trying to convince myself that I'm not ill. But as I sit here typing, I feel that knot in my throat.
I'm glad that I found this place in my searches because I think I've driven my sister crazy everytime I call her with one of my updates. JOurnal writing has helped to clear the fog a little because today as I read some of my past entries, I couldn't believe that I wrote some of the things I wrote, and it has helped me see that I DO need help.
I hope more people do write - yes, even about the negative things because I know that as I read some things, I DIDN'T feel alone. I couldn't believe that there are people out there that feel like ME.
thanks
