I picked the title "limitations of CBT" for this topic title but I do NOT want to discourage anyone from learning CBT. The information and this forum has been invaluable to me.
That said, I have to say, I do not think I am dealing with cut and dried panic (then again, who is dealing with anything cut and dried, life is complex). The best explanation I can come up with for how this site and my life converge is that I feel panic (along with anger and hopelessness)when I have a strong negative emotion. So far, CBT is impossible to practice during the actual emotion. It feels like trying to open an umbrella in a hurricane - the storm winds of emotion are so strong, there is nothing I can do in the moment. I know that sounds defeatist and I know someone (Davit and others who I appreciate for so much wisdom and honesty) will challenge me that there is always something we can do in each moment in life to try to help ourselves but for now, when I am in the eye of an emotional storm, it feels like there is nothing I can actually do. And the pain of it is so real, that I want to be able to do something, so the inability to do anything to calm the storm leads to thoughts of "this is hopeless" "I am hopeless" and it feels like the storms will never end, they will keep coming and throwing me around for the rest of my life.
The jury is out on whether I simply need medication to address whatever is happening during those storms. i.e. that what I am afflicted with cannot be cured without medication.
CBT, helpful as it is for my negative thoughts during the day, is not really possible during the storm. During the storm I do not know what to do. I really don't. I do not want to describe fully what happens to me during the storm. It is bad, it is painful and deeply distressing. It is grief, sadness, fear, anger and terror all rolled into one very long moment.
That is why I have started going to therapists and why I am open to taking medication now. I am tired of enduring the storms. I am burning out.
I thought that CBT was going to help me with the storms but since it is not, I am starting to develop anxiety about when the next storm will hit. Will I be able to manage it? Will I be around people who will judge me for it? Will it be unbearable? How long will it last and which part of my day will it disrupt? Which activities will I miss out on due to it? Should I even plan anything if this is how I have to live? these are the anxious thoughts caused by feeling out of control about the storms. I am sure there are lots of people here who can relate to those sorts of thoughts and worries.
In between the storms, I function fairly fine, as well as anyone can when they are in a hurricane of emotion that tears them down for an hour or so every second day. When I am pulled down by an emotion, I feel horrible. The pain is intense. Once it passes I flip back to "regular scheduled programming" and I clean up, do my work, get things done, etc.. People who see me would never know I was feeling completely overwhelmed and hopeless 10 minutes earlier because i am talking, carrying on conversations and so on.
What is this and what do I do about it? I realize this site is for the panic program and that has helped me with the negative thoughts when I am not in the middle of a storm but it has not been something I can use during the storm. And I am enduring too many storms too often lately. They are unrelenting and I am getting really burned out from them. Yes, they start with a negative thought. But they trigger an emotional reaction before I can really intervene. And is it possible to intervene in an emotion? Can we actually prevent emotions once they start? Are they not somewhat automatic? Can you stop yourself from feeling something or is that suppression? I need to knnow how to do whatever I need to do to live the life I want to live. I don't want to be ruled by my emotions and I don't want to suppress them either.
Once the negative emotion has been activated, I am taken into the storm. I hope someone can help me determine what will help or at least confirm I need to wait for medications to reduce the severity of my negative emotions (assuming I was prescribed something that will actually affect the storms at all which I pray it will).
I have considered how to use the exposure aspect of the program here but I can't do a planned exposure to my emotions. Or can I? Right now they hit me without warning, they are triggered by things I am able to identify. So is my next step then exposure to a trigger to a strong emotion in a planned setting as the program talks about here?