No need to reply or read, just getting this out of my head to let it go. And yup, this is how crazy my mind works, and what leads me to believe sometimes my thoughts feel like I'm just trying to fish in a dried up river. "Look ma, I caught dirt!"
It's got to be a mood disorder that stems from my old perfectionistic nature. My need to control a situation. My will to never give up this crazy tazmanian devil in my head. Today I had a pretty good day, went through a generalized anxiety induced moment, came out with what I needed and completed the task at hand. But I still feel unaccomplished because it wasn't done the way I wanted. I went in so happy, so free from everything that was holding me down, had a small generalized attack, let it be and was able to complete what I needed to complete. But...after the attack I was so focused on how it could have been done had I not had the attack that I started my age old imperfectionistic way of dwelling. Began getting angry over it, didn't take it out on anyone, I'm always careful to keep my head because I don't want to hurt anyone else due to my own...I don't know, insecurities? Anyhow, was able to decompress a bit with a quick drive for work related reasons, then came back feeling better...then now I'm back to the age old cold rage with no stage to put it on so I let it fester. Meh, I can't do anything about it, I hurt no one's feelings, and I took care of what needed to be done. Was able to joke around with the docs today, get a decent amount of work done (but I need to do more)...no more festering! I'm just fluctuating the flustering frustration that needs to be finished. So it is!
You know what? I am a control freak! I need to focus on trying to let whatever be, be. Do what I can and beyond that, well, remember that only God can judge me.
