I had an extraordinary experience today. I was at an conference about autism because of my work. I had the opportunity to hear from 6 adults with autism about their experiences. One of them talked about how he is hypersensitive to all sensory input and how life can be not only overwhelming bu painful. He described how if someone was looking him in the eye, he could no hear or understand what people were saying. He said that he didn't feel emotion until he was in his thirties and he started singing and writing songs (he is very talented). He said now he is so emotional, he undersatnds why he blocked out his feelings for so long. Somehow he is in a place where he seems to understand his strengths (unbelieveably intelligent, artistic and highly focused) and forgive his weaknesses (obsessive, unable to communicate in casual social interactions and easily overwhelmed). 5 out of the six speakers talked about having been suicidal at points in their lives.
I was blown away by their courage. This was a group of individuals who hate crowds, social interaction, people, bright lights, noise, unpredictability etc, and they each had the courage to to stand up in front of 400 or 500 people and talk about their greates challenges and vulnerabilities.
It helped me understand that my need to turn down the volume of life is not unique. It helped me realize that even people who think they don't need friends benefit from friendships. It reminded me that no matter how big my own challenges seem sometimes, there are people who have successfully overcome even bigger obstacles. It also helped me to believe that even odd, quirky, eccentic, intoverted people can be likeable and form caring friendships that are good for both people involved.
I have always worried that I need so much that a friendship relationship would be unbalanced. When I am in a relationship, I tend to overcompensate by giving, being the supportive listener and the thoughtful friend, but I wont ever let anyone give those things to me. This is a new insight for me!!!! I always though that people just didn't like me. I think maybe I didn't let them in...
Today I found myself envying people diagnosed with autism and Aspbergers syndrome who had found a supportive community among like minded people.
Next Wednesday I will go to the Women for Sobriety group. I called this week to make sure I could just show up and didn't need a referral or something. I have always been happy without people or friends. I like to be alone. But now I think I just need to find some people like me that I won't have to hide from.
m - I don't know you, but I feel like I can understand how you feel. You are smart, but still struggling. It doesn't seem to matter how much you understand things cognitively, there is another level of understanding that is still out of reach. Let's not be afraid of the intensity of our feelings. Lets dare to find out what happens if we just give in and feel them - no matter how painful.
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Congratulations on 10 days! 10 DAYS !!!!!! Wow.... I hope you are taking time to celebrate such a milestone. 
