Hello Samantha,

Yes letting go is really tough for me.I am not sure why I have so much trouble letting go of things, events or people. I mean, I am borderline/depeendent. so I obviously have abandonnement issues. But that only account for prt of it not all of it. but I have always been like this and am still not sure what to do about it. But I will figure it out one day hopefully. And yes, knowing you are here, it helps a lot. Thank you!

Hello Strength!,

Well, for one Iam a night owl, generally speaking, and also, I am extremely verbal lol And yes, it does help me alot to get things out on "paper". I find it is a way to cope, to exorcise... Which is probably why I started a blog lately lol. Thank you for your reply strength!

They explained to me, it was probably because the cells* as in child) were abnormal and would not have been viable and so my body was rejecting it… What did they expect me to say? Wow, phew? To this day, I still feel like my grief, my loss, should be minimized, isn’t that what I was told in the hospital? I did not lose a child, I just loss a unviable configuration of cells…

To this day I keep wondering if it is something I did, if it is my fault. Was it al the medication I take to manage my mental illness that caused this? Was it stress? was it the fact I am exhausted? Was it the fact I spent all weekend dancing and over exerting myself? Could I have done anything differently? But aren’t what ifs really just useless? I can’t change what happened.

Since then, I have not been doing so great. Because of that, my husband and I went back to being careful not to get pregnant. I have not gone back on the contraceptive pills yet but we all know there are other ways. I have a prescription for contraceptives which I have not gotten around to filling yet.

The truth is, since Christmas, dealing with my biological clock has been harder. sometimes, I feel so bad, so crappy, that the idea of having kids causes sheer panic, I think,”Oh lord, what would I do? My husband would burn-out taking care of the both of us and would leave me!” and other days…tick-tock, my clock is ticking! Some days, I am doing something and I can actually imagine myself pregnant. Even when laying down for a nap. I am laying there and I can imagine it so vividly, it almost feels real! Some days, I long to be pregnant so badly. My clock is not whispering anymore, some days it is just plain loud!

I have what I call ticktock days. Like today was one. Today, I kept seeing beautiful pregnant women everywhere. I kept seeing moms with their kids and the kids all looked cute to me. And even when kids came into the store and did things that usually annoy me, like running their hands and faces and noses all over my clean glass show cases, I still thought they were cute! Now that is a ticktock day, do you know how much glass there is to clean in a jewelry store? and how often it needs washing? And that kids managed to dirty pretty much every single pane of glass. And all I could think was that he was cute and “oh poor little guy is so bored, his mom is taking so long…” Yup ticktock…

So how does one tell ones brain, body, clock, whatever to settle down, stop sending goo-goo hormones my way? How does one reason with a biological urge so strong, so primordial as to ensure the continuation of the species? Well, let me tell you, one does it with much logic, persistence, effort, difficulty and a good dose of denial… and does it really work? Here I am at almost 4 am, blogging about it.

I have told my husband about this. But he says, with good reason, this is a really bad time. I am not managing to care for myself well, how would I care for a child. and he is just managing taking care of work and both of us. So, we keep being careful not to get pregnant… And yet, here I sit tonight blogging. and if I close my eyes, I can imagine myself very pregnant, sitting here, happy giving you and update on my imaginary pregnancy…and it feels almost, yes almost real. ticktock, my clock is ticking…

To be frankly honest, as a child, I didn’t picture myself as having kids. I preferred cats. Then as a teenager and as a young adult, I definitely did NOT want kids. I was having enough trouble just dealing with my life. I mean I started having mental health issues early enough in life and was diagnosed with mental illness in my early to  mid-teens. And even when my older brother started having kids at a young age, even when my friends had kids at a young age, I did Not want kids. I was very happy taking my little hormone pill every month and not having children. I mean, I was precocious, I started pining over boys early on. I knew early on I wanted to get married. I met my husband when I was 18 and, although he did not know it, I knew I would marry him. Eventually I did! I have been married over a decade now. And still no kids. By now, My nieces and nephews are big. One of them is in college! And most of my friends have kids now, ranging from newborns to teenagers, to even adults! And still no kids.

My husband is ok with it. He likes kids. He is better with them then I am. When my friends need babysitting they ask him LOL! But he is ok with not having kids. And he frankly believes our life is to disorganized and messy and dysfunctional to bring up a child. As such, his position now is, no kids for now. And I get it, he is right. All logic points to this decision. My shrink agrees with him, my doctor agrees with him, everyone I know agrees with him… except for one…my biological clock…

A while back, I was having  pretty good period. I was still tired but managing and my mood was doing well for the first time in a while. I was taking a year off from schooling and I felt tired but good. My husband had his first really good job ever and we decided I would go off my contraceptives. We weren’t going to try for kids, we were just not going to try so hard not to have them… This was my initiative, my doing, my biological clock had already started whispering in my ear. He agreed, our lives were on the upswing at the time. Then, the constant exhaustion, sleepiness, hypersomnia even started taking its toll… I realized I couldn’t get what I wanted done the way I wanted … Then he was so sure anymore… But he agreed to let things be.

Then last Christmas time, I miscarried. I had just had a great weekend ok dancing and then my periods came (or so I thought) and they were really really painful. and I was bleeding a lot. and there was clotting and the color was wrong, like too bright. So eventually I went to the emergency room. I had no idea what was going on…They asked all sort of questions, and since most of the pain was on the right side of my abdomen on top of checking gynecological things they checked for appendicitis of course. They did blood work. Then I am told, that I am most likely pregnant and miscarrying. I had no idea I was even pregnant and now I am miscarrying? Now trust me, this is a lot to absorb in one sitting. But they tell me to know more they need to do several tests over time. So I pretty much spent a week in and out of the hospital. And that was it, I had gotten pregnant and had a miscarriage. Christmas sucked this year.

I remember, at the hospital, they asked me if we were trying to get pregnant, I told them, not really. After that, it is like they started not being as careful and just minimizing everything. It drove me nuts! They basically told me I hadn’t been pregnant for long and didn’t even know it so it isn’t so bad. And I know that from a biological standpoint that is true! I mean, the consequences of early spontaneous abortion are much less dangerous than later in a pregnancy. But it almost made me feel like I didn’t have a right to grieve, because hey I was even really that pregnant and hey I wasn’t really wanting children. They explained to me, it was probably because the ce

Years ago, I lost my paternal grandmother. Of all my grandparents she was the closest one to me. This was years ago. And still to this day I get these pangs of pain, of longing for her presence. Sometimes I dream of her. And the dream is so vivid, it is like she is really there. Then I wake up and I feel the loss of her vividly.When she was dying in the hospital, I was too anxious to go visit her. I still feel guilty. I still think I didn’t get to say goodbye because I let fear take me over. I miss my grandmother so much! She is to this day, one of the greatest influences of my life. I love her so much.

Letting go is an important skill, I don’t seem to possess…

I let go in spurts and fits but it comes back to haunt me…Like ghosts of things past come to visit for a bit. So how does one let go…I mean truly let go?

If anyone knows, please share with me…

As you may have all noticed, I am not so good at this whole thing we call letting go. For me letting go is a painful process that happens in fits and spurts with great pain and discomfort. It is also a kind of cyclical, circular, repetitive motion until the process is over. Let me explain…

Something happens, I can’t change it so I try to let go, I feel sad and guilty and whatever else, eventually I find a sort of peace and I think it is over… Meanwhile it is still there eating at me unbeknown to me. Then It comes bubbling to the surface: Crying, drama, hurt, anger…Then I find a sort of peace…And you get the gist.

I know letting go is an important skill. I just haven’t mastered it yet. I mean, I still have trouble letting go of a boy who tripped me and made me lose my green apple in the courtyard of school when I was eight…I am not kidding you. But to me, that event was just so mean and cruel and senseless. I didn’t even know that boy. Just speaking of it I feel sad…

As you can see I am really bad at letting go. I have so many ghosts in my attic! I can’t remember some things I want to remember but of course I remember the hurts of my life clearly… So for me, letting go is a long and difficult process…

And letting go of people ( in this I include beloved pets) is an immense effort. And hey, I have abandonment issues! I don’t hide it.

I lost my cat Sid years back. I mean years! He was a young cat, but he went outside you see. He was hit by a car. the driver hit him and kept going… Some guy on a motorcycle was nice enough to stop and try to help him. the cat did not let him. so he watched as my cat dragged himself all the way to our window to Miaow to get in. I heard him at the window and woke up and there he was with the biker dude. The biker dude told me what happened. At the time we did not have a car. so I called my mom and she came over to help us get Sid to the hospital. My husband held Sid in his arms in the car. I was looking At Sid. I saw the light go out in his eyes. We couldn’t save him. The hospital offered to take care of the remains for free. We let them. we were so poor at the time. I still regret it. Sid deserved better. He was such a good cat. I still cry when I think of him. I am crying now.

In 2008, I lost my beloved cat Oscar. It must be understood, Oscar was part of my family. He was my baby. He got sick. He had diabetes. I nursed him with everything I had. I gave him his insulin shots, my husband helped of course. Then he got sicker and I also gave him fluids intravenously and fed him with a spoon. and he got better for a long time. Then he crashed one day. I had to rush him to the vets. they saved him. They adjusted his insulin and we did the fluids and spoon-feeding…So it was up and down. But one day it was evident he wouldn’t get better. He would just keep getting worse…I felt guilty, like maybe had I been a better mommy, maybe if I had taken better care of him he would have been ok…He was too sick and I had to have him put down. That is one of the most horrible memories of my life. I had Oscar cremated. I slept for days if not weeks or months (it’s all a bit blurry) with his urn in my arms. I carried it with me everywhere. I couldn’t throw away or give away or move any of his stuff. Eventually, I let go a bit. I threw away what wasn’t good. I donated what unused and unopened medical veterinary supplies I had left. But to this day, I still haven’t managed to wash the shirt I wore on that last day with him. That last day when I said goodbye. I have a locket with some of his fur in it and his picture. I still sometimes get the urge to hold his urn and carry it around. I dream of him. I wake up and realize he is gone. I lose him all over again…

Years ago, I lost my paternal grandmother. Of all my grandparents