And as a result I
am now finding it very hard to talk to people about the depression, expressing
my feelings, and even acknowledging my feelings. I've been suppressing,
ignoring and pretending for so long.
Of the few people I
have told about the depression, my three closer friends have not been
surprised, and the rest (including my immediate family!) claim they had no idea. So I guess that
means I’m a good actor, but it also poses another problem. How much should I
tell people? I’m scared that they will be horrified, or be driven away. On the
surface I’m a bubbly, happy, chatty person and I’ve found that if I act in this
way others reciprocate, and this creates a kind of happiness bubble. I take joy
in seeing and making others happy, but I feel like I have never been happy
myself. If people ask how I’m feeling, and I tell them, they look worried and
concerned, and I feel that I am causing them pain. And its not like me telling
them how I am feeling is helping me or making me feel better, and they all ask
what they can do to help and I never know what to say.
Then again, as I write this, I’m realizing that being
on these forums and writing this out IS helping, maybe I just need someone to
listen? Maybe I just need practice in telling someone how I feel? Maybe I need
to work out what it is that I feel?
Is anyone else as
confused as I am? (but confused with a glimmer of hope and understanding!)
Wow, this has been
a long one, but again, verbalizing this has made me feel a lot better, and
brought some much needed clarity. (I wonder what other issues I have lurking inside
of me?) Hopefully having written this will help me tomorrow morning.
I think my
"lifestyle" is okay (I've even cut out coffee and alcohol totally
over the last few months).... but I am starting to worry if it’s me or my life
that is the problem…. (And let the constantly suppressed self-hatred raise its
head!)
I know that
self-esteem and a bundle of negative core beliefs are a big problem of mine.
And I think this is also linked to the fact that I've been suffering from
depression since I've been very young (apparently since I’ve been 12 or
13!?!?!) and without complete remission between episodes (or at least this is
how its been explained to me - dysthymia and recurrent major depression?) and
now that I am feeling a lot better I'm really starting to wonder who I really
am. My development of an adult identity, my views about myself and the world
around me have all been formed during this time. I mean, who am I, what to I
really enjoy doing, what am I good at? Am I even a good and interesting person?
What do I want to achieve in my long and short-term goals? WILL I ever achieve
anything?
And also the fear that this is just me, and drugs are
just a patch over the true crap-ness that is me….. and if this is the case,
bring on the drugs, ‘cause this is not who I want to be! Rest assured I am
trying to fight these fears, and I know that this is not what I want, and not
who I want to be – therefore the drive for change is there, I just need to work
at it. And in a way, this should be exciting, I mean who knew that normal people
sleep through the night, (have a desire for sex!) and wake up feeling wonderful
each and every day! How much easier and wonderful will life be when I get on
top of this. How much more is out there for me to experience and enjoy? Each day it’s like a whole new world and
a whole new life full of new and wonderful experiences and opportunities that I
never considered before.
Despite the fact that my last semester’s marks at uni
have destroyed my mark average so much that my dream of studying medicine is no
longer a realistic possibility. Which hurts more than you can possibly imagine.
There is an element of hope, a future DOES exist. I just need to keep reminding
myself of this.
Not only have I undertaken a great deal of self introspection, but chatting to a few friends and some unsolicited compliments that I have received recently are making me realize that much of my behavior is a result of this, and possibly the development of a series of defense mechanisms. So that I could function as a normal person without letting anyone know how terrible and desperate I was feeling every day. And running around, always doing something, filling up any and every spare moment, so I never had time to stop, and think, and feel. I've never had a close relationship (romantic or otherwise) because I've never been able to be close to another person, I’ve been too scared to be with someone, that they would see through me and I’ve always pulled away so I’ve
Thanks Lance.
You sure gave me a
lot to think about.
Thank you. You’ve
given me a bit of a ‘kick in the bum’ that I really needed. I’ll let you know
what the pdoc thinks.
The below is just
me verbalizing my thoughts.... and I am tempted to tell you not to bother
reading, but I have a sneaking suspicion this may be a very good example of a
negative assumption/ core belief! Despite any thoughts I may have, writing this
out at least this allows me to think things through and this being online and
possibly read by others has forced me to keep my negativity to a minimum!
Anyway, I've gone back to my GP and got a referral to a psychologist for counseling (what ever that actually is?), and I have an appointment with a pdoc tomorrow. I haven't seen one outside of my hospital experience, so I have no idea what will happen and I have to confess I'm just a little bit nervous. I’m terrified that I might be lock