*

Where is my daddy?

He is late again

He can’t come for me

There is too much rain

*

Where is my father?

He isn’t coming

He works, don’t bother

I’m understanding.

*

Where is my daddy?

He’s with his wife

Why won’t he love me?

Am I in his life?

*

Where is my father?

I sit here waiting

And time ticks over

He isn’t calling

*

Where is my dad?

I wait all night

I must be bad

I’m just not right.

*

The truth is, I have much love for my father and he loves me a lot too. We have forgiven each other and we are building a stronger relationship with each other everyday. But the fact remains that my brother was more of a father to me when I was growing up than my dad was. My brother was the only man in my life who would defend me, stick up for me. The fact remains, I grew up without a daddy. And I may have a father now whom I love and loves me. I may have a great adult relationship with my dad. But the little girl in me will forever be looking for her daddy to love her. I live with my ever-living wounds.

Today, I have realized that, although I have a much better relationship with my father and that we have forgiven each other for whatever hurts we have caused each other, I am still not healed from the wounds our past relationship has caused me. I am now realizing, I have learned to live with those wounds but I will most likely never recover fully from them.

My father was a workaholic and I didn’t have him around much. After my parent’s divorce, I saw him even less. He was at times irresponsible in his care for me. Then he got remarried to a woman with whom I do not get along. I would qualify my relationship with her as a whole as toxic. She has her good qualities like anyone else. She is the reason my father has survived his cancer so well. I am grateful to her for that. But she is also one of the reasons behind the lack of relationship I have had with my dad for a long time. And me and my dad may have a better relationship with each other, but he still sees me only when she is working or traveling. I won’t go into details about my relationship with her or my dad as some things are not worth saying. Needless to say I carry many wounds inside me from that family dynamic. Mostly, I know, that my father chose her over me. Once I confronted him with it and he admitted it. He chose to remain with her despite the fact that it would mean a damaged or diminished relationship with me. I thank him for having the honesty and the guts to admit it. At least now, I know I am not crazy for feeling the way I feel. I have forgiven him. But the wounds, the gaping ever-healing wounds in my spirit, soul, ego, self-esteem will ever remain. I learn to live with them, deal with them, but I know those wounds will be ever-healing, never really gone. My father chose her over me, the man who was supposed to love me unconditionally, defend me, protect me, I was supposed to be his little girl. But I was sacrificed on the altar of his marriage.

And this has impacts in my life. I am forever looking for a father figure. I am forever looking for men’s approbation. I try to not do it. I try to remind myself this is unhealthy behavior that comes from this. I work on it, I deal with it. But deep-down I know it is there.

For example, just today, I went to my mom’s for the morning. Her boyfriend is visiting for the weekend. I woke up early and felt anxious so I asked if I could go over. And we had fun! We joked around and we spoke. And somehow the subject of my dad and his wife and my upbringing came up. Now, I tried to be tactful as my mom’s new boyfriend is actually a very good friend of my dad’s. But I realized how unhealed those particular wounds are.

Also, as I come home and reflect on the morning. I realize how much I want a relationship with this man. I realize how much I want to impress him. I realize how much I want him to like me and approve of me and maybe even one day maybe love me a little. He bought me a book; and that gesture means more to me then he could ever imagine. The fact that for no reason at all except kindness this man thought enough of me to buy me a present means more than he can imagine. And he doesn’t know it. But there it is.

The truth is, I have much love for my father and he loves me a lot too. We have forgiven each other and we are building a stronger relationship with each