Zaney, We thank you for sharing your story with us today. This support group is full of supportive individuals who may be able to help you answer some questions about Depression. Have you made an appointment with your doctor? This may be a step to putting things in perspective for all involved. If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find many supportive tests. These tests are not diagnostic tools and are not a replacement or substitute for a physicians advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. When you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your doctor. This may also better help assess the situation. We also have developed a Depression Program. Each session is based on the previous session, so we strongly advise that you work slowly through the program and not jump ahead. If you have any questions or concerns with our "TOOLS" you can contact our support department at support@depressioncenter.net. Take care and we hope to hear from you soon. Josie ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team.

I am new, and I have a question. When I read about emotional abuse, I was wondering when you are going through it do you realize it for what it is? I am out of a bad situation now and I can see all kinds of things,but he said I was just too sensitive. I am confused. My head tells me the abuse was there and it was abundant,but was I overreacting?I was angry all the time because he had changed after we married and he would say, like a child, no you have changed. I guess I just need closure.

Hi CVM, What is the time zone for where you are living? Right now it is 9:30 am on Saturday for me. I saw your post this morning, and it said you were online at about 3:30 am. That is probably why there is some lapse in time for replying to my cool buddies elsewhere. Thanks for your support and interest in what I had to say. I figured why bother chatting if I can't be honest with at least others like me. I don't feel ashamed sharing, but with others, even my close family and best friend I choose not to share what is going on with me. What I really find amazing is that the people and supervisors that I work closely with, even psychiatrists don't appear to have a clue of how much pain and depression I have been feeling. I am not very good at hiding my true feelings, so I isolate and keep to myself at all possible to avoid them finding out. What is really truly funny or should I say sad is that I sit in with my clients during their appts with the doctor and I feel like a hypocrite. If they knew what would they think of me? I truly enjoy my job trying to help other people much worse off than me, but you do get burn out, especially emotionally drained. Then once in awhile you feel uplifted for knowing that you gave someone hope for a better future and showed human kindness and compassion that you realize why you do what you do. It totally humbles me to know that a person I have tried to help actually has helped me in the process without even knowing it. It could be a letter of gratitude or a birthday card, or even a hug for thanking me. I feel sort of connected to several of you online as you seem so down to earth, giving and willing to share personal stories of despair so willing just to help others. This experience online with the Depression Center has been a truly enlightening experience, both spiritually and emotionally. I have so much gratitude and respect for all of you out there willing to expose intimate thoughts, to not only release the pain, but in hopes that your story will touch someone else, enough to keep trying and never give up. This is a place where there is hope for everyone and my refuge from a lonely world. I just want to end by saying that I read one of your earlier posts about how you live in a beautiful area surrounded by

Hi WishingWell: Okay, now I have a much better idea why your depression is causing you to feel humiliated. You feel like since you've been well educated in how to properly assess the causes of depression and how to help others cope with it that YOU should be able to handle the stresses of your own life without succombing to the pressure the way the rest of the world does - in other words, without getting depressed. So here you are, struggling with your own depression while at the same time trying to listen to other people's problems and give them guidance when in all reality you probably have lost alot of hope in ever getting better yourself. Wow - my hat's off to you for being able to function as well as you have under those circumstances - I don' t know that I'd be able to do the same. Well, first of all I'll admit that if I were in your place it would be hard for me to let on to others that I was having problems with depression. I'd wonder if they'd think me unfit to dispense advice to others when I didn't seem to be able to help myself....not that there is ANY truth in that whatsoever. Throughout my life I have been the person that people come to when they really need to "talk", because I listen and I am interested in what they are going through. I have been able to help many people over the years, whether or not I was seriously unhappy or depressed myself. I'm good at analyzing how to handle a situation, but have a hard time taking my own advice! And, let's face it - it is alot easier to help other people with their problems, if you know what its like to struggle with your own. If nothing else, I'm sure that what you're going through personally has made you a better listener and/or given you the ability to better empathize. There probably ARE people you work with you could confide in who would understand that despite your knowledge of depression you are a person - which means you have problems and you suffer just like everyone else. I guess I'd just be careful who I choose to confide in. I know you feel guilty and don't want to let others down, but honestly in the long run won't you be able to help others better if you take the time to address your own situation? Try not to be so angry with yourself - as much as we'd all like, we DON'T have contr

Hello CVM, Hope you're still online. The problem I have is not feeling embarassed with other people like me, but with people I work with ever finding out that I suffer from this illness. I don't know why it would bother me other than I don't trust anyone that I work with to fully understand why I feel this way without looking down on me. I actually don't know how they would react, but I am projecting my backward thinking onto others. Considering the job I have, I should know much better than to think this way, but this is what I mean how invasive the self destructing thoughts and feelings can distort your perception of reality. The reason I miss crying so much is because it was one way I was able to cope with depression for so long without taking any medications or seeing someone for this problem since 1993. While I was experiencing my first major depressive episode, I admitted myself to the hospital. However, I had a bad experience and was given antipsychotic medications and was a zombie like for a few days and started hallucinating. During that time, I attempted to commit suicide while in the hospital. Staff punished me and put me into isolation ward for several hours and then into the intensive ward with psychotic patients. I was so frightened and scared and also claustrophobic as well. So what do I do but go to college and get my degree in psychology so I can help other people. Now 12 years have past and here I am again going through similiar feelings. This is why I am embarassed. I should know better, but it still didn't prevent me from becoming this way again. I do want to get better as I have many people who depend on me for many things. I don't have time to take out and continue feeling like this and feeling sorry for myself. I am very angry with me for not being able to identify the symptoms sooner and asking for help. It took my medical doctor to make the observation and ask if I was depressed for me to get help. I feel like I have let down the very people I am supposed to help. Thanks CVM for being a good listener. I hope that by me laying it all on the line for everyone to see and read that someone out there might just find some help before it is too late.

Hey there again WishingWell: Why do you feel embarassed about what you're going through? I'll admit that when I was in the throes of major panic attacks a few years back and found out that Panic Anxiety Disorder was considered a MENTAL disorder, it freaked me out. I knew I wasn't happy...but to find out I had a mental disorder was downright embarassing! But, then I started to do some research (as I'm sure you have) and once I realized how many people struggle with the same stuff, it took away all of the shame I associated with it. In fact, I started telling people about it - how I'd faint sometimes, how I'd have an attack that made my heart race and my skin burn...and surprisingly enough others were going through similar things unbeknownst to me. Don't add embarassment about your condition to your already long list of worries - you're human - you're a feeling person - nothing wrong with that, so cut yourself some slack. I've noticed that you've mentioned in several of your posts that you can't cry - and that seems to really bother you. While I was having the anxiety, I couldn't cry either....couldn't laugh, joke or do much of anything but get angry. I know you don't want to hear this, but it wasn't until I got out of the marriage that I finally found my real personality again. I had forgotten what it was like to be able to cry when I was hurt or happy, to be able to laugh and to make other people laugh, to be able to sing - have you sung (even along with the radio in your car) lately? Again, not trying to tell you what to do...just telling you about my own experience.

Hi Desperately Seeking Solace, Thanks for your input. I want to start walking soon,but right now my blood pressure is haywire, and I just have no motivation. My first appt with my doctor was last week and she thinks I should try walking as well. I know this is good advice and I plan to try some sort of exercise as soon as possible, if I don't procrastinate. I never realized how truly debilitating depression can be till now. I know I am not alone, but sometimes it feels that way. What is truly scary is that I work in a mental health center and help others who have severe psychotic disorders. I assess their mental status etc. I just never thought that this disease would catch up to me. I feel embarrased for having these symptoms. I surely know all the symptoms and can provide excellent advice for my clients, but I just can't seem to apply it to me. It seems like one day I was functioning and the next I was consumed in such a depressed state that I had no feelings left inside. I am sure it was slowly building up to this point, I just ignored the signs. I really thought that depressed accompanied tons of intense crying spells, of which I have not had. Actually, for about two months I can't even cry at all. I wish you well and thank you for responding. Talk to you again soon.

Hi wishingwell...I understand your anger issues(well, I relate to them). During the 3 years of treatment...I have noticed many bouts of aggression..to the point of throwing or kicking things. These actions are no where near my personality, so you can imagine how frightened I was (and at times, still am) of this. I still get angry...especially when the depression has a hold on me (the bad days). I argue with my partner (well, in my head anyway), I shut down over the simplist mis-understandings. The only thing I have been able to do to combat the anger (and depression) is take long walks on the treadmill. I got the treadmill this past december so I could try "walking out the anger" without having to deal with the outside world. I know (from experience) how difficult it is to leave the house when you are under such tight grasp of the anger...I have been told for 3 years by my therapist that I need to start walking. Investing in the treadmill so far has been the best therapy I am in. the blah-blah-blah chattering in therapy doesn't always help, especially when I am having a bad day...all I want to do is veg out and sleep. I have gone off again on a tangent...I am sorry. Just know that there are many who are and have gone through what you are experiencing right now. You are the only person who can make you "do " anything. It took a mini stroke to get me start walking. Take care of yourself...find peace.

I'm glad the reply helped a little. It's so hard, dealing with all this stuff - and in the end no one can really help us but ourselves. But it does help to know that others are struggling with these problems. So many more than we even realize. In this past week I have gotten so tired of even talking about it - it doesn't seem to get me anywhere. I have put off my therapist and wish I could stuff all these emotions back down - right now I can't see the value of all this awareness. I'm just not in a very positive place right now - I hope you are doing better!

Thank you Ms Puck, I just got your message this morning since I have off from work today and my son is at daycare. I have a lot of free time today,which I relish. You too have made a difference just by responding to my message, and I appreciate it dearly. I guess we have alot more in common than I thought. Anger is such a powerful emotion what we do with it or how we release it I think is what can make the difference. You can rest assure that when I come up with the best way to release my anger you will be the first to know. You really made me feel so much better ms Puck, thanks again. If all we have is communicating with each other online, then I say I am fortunate. Take care of yourself and I will be 47 years old next week. Not that far in age from you.