Hello Ms Puck; I know that it has been a year since you posted this, however I am new & am in the same boat & age bracket as you are & I would really like to correspond w/ you as a way to help us both. Your post validated my experiences as only a fellow sufferer could, Ms Puck. B/c of long standing Depression I also decided not to have children. I didn't want to inflict the pain of depression on innocent babies through genetics or through my symptoms, which at times affected my abilities and rendered me apathtic and tearful. As much as I wanted to make a family for myself, I wanted to be a loving mother who would never harm her children or unwittingly damage them, even more. I wanted to stop the cycle. I started seeking help back in the 'dark ages' for Unipolar Major Depression, or as a Dr recently called it much to my dismay, 'Garden Variety Depression'. I was then and continue to be very tired, yet suffer with severe insomnia. I'mm extremely depressed,unmotivated, apathetic, yet kind & considerate too. With each passing day I am becoming more slothful, disorganized, forgetful & forgetable. I'm also patient, giving, forgiving & lonely. I have taken all the Anti-depressant meds over and over again, for almost Four decades, except for the Anti-Psychotics & Anti-Convulsants, as no Dr ever suggested them. The saddest heartache is not that I have spent a financial fortune on Dr's & at Pharmacies & now have little security on which to grow old. Nor is it that I wasted my life searching for effective treatment to no avail...No...The absence of love in my life from 'my own family'-the children & grandchildren never born, plus the lack of respect, understanding & love from my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, other family members, friends, & peers, all due to depression, is my saddest heartacle. Depression is only now becoming widely known as an illness and not as an excuse for inattention, laziness or stupidity. I strove to always take the high road & make good choices, which for the most part I did, except for the major omission of not telling my former husband before marriage, a terrible mistake! I faked 'normal', I suppose. It was Exhausting!!! While I knew 'Something was wrong',I really didn't even know what i

Hi Annie, Thanks for bringing this thread forward. Lots of members here that we have not heard from in a while. If anyone is still here and "lurking" please check in and let us know how you are doing. Casey ________________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

MsPuck, are you stil surffing this site? I am new my name is Annie. i think i will give this site a second chance. please let me know if you are still posting. thank you. -annie

Weasel, If you want to talk about it please let me know. I know it must be really hard on you to want something so badly and not be able to have it. How does your partner respond to how you feel? Look forward to hearing from you. jluv :)

Jluv, If you're having problems with the buddy, please email us through webmail or feedback with specific details and we will have someone assist you in getting it to work. Weasel, I think you may have found a way to slowly start talking about your problem with others who are in your shoes. Take advantage of it. Danielle _____________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

This is a big issue for me too. I am unable to have children and it tears me to pieces every day. I feel guilty for inflicting this upon my partner. I don't really know where to start talking about this. It hurts just admitting this much.

MsPuck, I'm new here and was moved by some of your posted comments. You seem very supportive of others and was curious if you are feeling the same? I was also wondering how you are doing lately? Have you found a new therapist? I too feel very alone, am childless, and growing older (which I have difficulty with). I feel much regret in my life and currently consumed with sadness. I'm not in a good place in my life right now and this scares me immensely. I too have felt like therapists don't want to see me anymore, but I do think this has more to do with insurance than my character--atleast this is what I tell myself :) I'm hoping that by joining the depression center it will bring me some relief. As I read the posted comments, it sounds all to familiar to me and I feel comfort knowing that I am not alone. It is difficult though, as you may know, how impersonal it seems posting comments and eagerly awaiting a response. I am more comfortable with interactive conversations....it is a little quicker as well. I will be patient though and focus on getting myself better by doing the sessions. It does help to have support and encouragement from others. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get the buddy thing to work. I'm hoping that maybe we could exchange messages...you seem like a really genuine person. Maybe we can help each other get through this. I really hope you are well and look forward to hearing from you. Take Care, jluv :)

I know how those sights and sounds and smalls can trigger all that pain that's locked up inside. I work around young people, ages 4 to 18, and when little Lydia comes to visit me in the office and throws are arms around me and says "I wuv you ...." I just melt and want to cry and cry thinking about all that I have missed. All the activities revolve around families and I don't go because I am alone. I know I would be welcomed, but it's just so painful to be around all those families. I know their lives are not perfect; I know there are heartaches galore in raising a family. I am not painting it as the perfect picture, but it's LIFE. It's relationships and caring and not caring and fighting and loving and well, just life. Mine is computers, TV, books, cats - all wonderful things but not energizing - not life. I'll get off my soapbox. I do better just slogging along hour by hour and enjoying my solidtude and serenity. And I do - often. If I could just turn off the parts of my brain that are constantly reminding me of how much I have missed, and now can never have. I just have to count my blessings, and they are many. (Can you hear me convincing myself??) Take care and look forward to what you still can have, I'm hoping. Love, MS. Puck

Ms Puck, I can completely understand. For a few years I went on pretty well w/o meds and Paxil was tough to wean from. I went through a few therapists, and finally found my current one. He tells me that I got him his license, and have been with him for 3 years or so now. He has even gone so far as to apply for grants to keep me in theapy and has waited months for payment when I have had financial troubles. It can be hard finding someone new. I started back over 10 years ago and had a wonderful therapist, but I couldn't see her any longer due to finances, and I just stopped seeing anyone. I actually went back into therapy through a center dealing specifically with rape/sexual abuse, and spent a good year or two there went through a group program as well. I did get shuffled from person ton person initially, and that was hard, I hated telling my history over and over. It is worth trying, to just have that outlet, if your previous therapist gave you names of others, perhaps she might be willing to help you to get settled with someone, not just a referral. My therapist recomended my current psychiatrist, and he really helped with making things easier for me in the first few visits, just by communicating with him and kind of preparing him (like look out she'll aks a million questions about what you are trying to give her, and wil argue with you about it) Its funny, it used to be my job to recruit and train and license foster and adoptive parents, and I have worked with investigations of child abuse, and with my naturally suspicious nature (who'd have thought that would ever come in handy) I would have balked at someone with my history, I know my Baker Act (Fl law for involuntary commital up to 72 hours) will turn up on a search of requests for police services. And yesterday I saw the city bus with the ad for the agency I was involved with "Become an Adoptive Parent" at a red light, I just started to cry. That and Fridays were usually the day I would spend with Jon, who would have been my son. This has been a tough day. Even though he wasn't "mine" I can still close my eyes and hear him, remember how his hair smelled, how at peace I felt with him and I can't understand how all of this happened, how I just tripped and fell emotionally and brought all

I am so sorry that you had such a traumatic experience with your attempt to be a foster parent. That kind of thing is what frightened me away from trying it, so bless you for your efforts on behalf of a child in need. I am in a pretty bad place right now, after several weeks of being pretty good. I quit all meds and therapy and was doing very well on my own. But things started to get to me again, and I emailed my former therapist asking for some names of new folks I might try. (She had always told me that she wanted me to be in therapy and if not with her, then with someone. She is so kind) When I saw the names and numbers, I just went nuts inside and realized I cannot start this process over with someone new. I don't think my old therapist wants me back - I just have that feeling. And I don't think we were getting anywhere, and I think if she doesn't want me back, it's for my sake as much as hers. But it leaves me out here with no one - which for most of the time is better for me I think. I hate all the instrospection, and I hate having someone else tell me what's wrong with me. I have a tremendous amount of pride (how that goes along with absolutely no self-esteem I cannot say, but that's me!!!) perhaps pride is the wrong word - self-protection - I don't know - but I fight so hard to hold on to my way of doing things - even tho they really don't serve me very well. Wow - I do tend to ramble no wonder my therapist doesn't want me back!!! I wish you peace while you are along Prunella, and hope that you find a mate that will love and support you. IN the meantime, it's nice to have this good group of folks to chat with. Take good care and let me know how you are doing. Ms. Puck