It has now been four months since reuniting and being back in a relationship and my life is like a complete turn around. We have not had any conflicts to speak of, we harmoneously spend lots of time together now, do lots of different events and I no longer have a feeling of co dependence. My point here is that as bad as things may look at a moment - thru persistence, hard work, and frame of mind - there is hope. I also do highly recomend that in apropriate circumstances, the 12 step program thru Codependants Annonomous, C.O.D.A., really worked well for me in that I was a self perceived care giver perhaps out of control.

Hi Kenny,I have depression but i am slowly getting better and i just read your story and it struck a cord with me because i used to be similar, very clingy then wanted nothing but to spend time on my own and fro reading your post i only have a few comments that may help you. The relationship that you have with her at the moment appears very much to be like a drug. When she wants it she has got it and she feels good, when you are giving her exactly what she wants or needs she is completley fine but now she wants you to move in so she will want that kind of care 24/7 and if she cant have it she will relapse. Moving in together should be a wonderfull experience and the best times of your lives but the forst 12 months will always be the hardest and maybe you need to decide if you can be there for her 24 hours a day 7 days a week and be happy together despite other worries you will have which comes with moving in.

Hi Andy: as I had a lengthy reply to your email - I sent it directly to your site address. In essence however - Although the situation with my girlfriend seems to be progressing - I am at a point of realization that I am a participant in the problems to the extent of at least 50% being that in my relationship thought process there is only two of us - but that I now have to look closely as to my contributions to the situations and how can I change/or help myself in the situations I present. As I explained - It is my compulsions and needs that perhaps I perceive to be a caregiver to a caretaker that firstly causes me to seek the situation I present and perhaps this need is driven by my childhood and direct family relationship experiences that I now need to come in touch with and understand to help me better understand and deal with my role in this relationship. Thus - instead of my working so hard in trying to fix my girlfriend - perhaps some of my energies are best diverted to helping myself. Then if I can perhaps help myself - perhaps the overall situation with my girlfrined and me gets a boost - in whatever direction that may be. Well at any rate - read my lengthy email and perhaps you can provide me some more insight here. Thanks and good luck. Kenny

Today - my girlfriend of the past 9 months calls me at work to tell me that she met a man a little more than a week ago and has fallen in love with him and he with her and she is certain this is the relationship that works for her and she has been waiting for all her life. For the past 4 nights she has not come home and she has stayed over his place apparently intending to move in with him. It makes absolutely no sound sense to me and I am curious as to depression and fantasy love - 1.e. - just what should I expect, how long does it last, if and when she does tire of this relationship does she return, or what. Would like to hear from anyone with similar experiences as I have no idea what I am dealing with.

Thanks for the advice here, "Brother". I know you are giving some very contemporary advice here and rule #1 is, take care of and respect yourself firstly, but - I do have a problem with that to a point. My girlfriend is a human being whom I perceive as having serious timely needs. Those needs are those that I perceive I am supplying. Now I know I am now showing my co-dependence issues/compulsions here - but I do love her - she does fill a spot in my heart - and I do perceive that without me - yes her life will go on - but perhaps my continued love and support will perhaps be the beginning of a turn around in her life and hold it together. So I am very confused. It seems it would be cruel and unjust to not continue caring for the perceived needs of my girlfriend but yet at the sametime I know I perhaps am compromising my life in the role as her caretaker. Making matters worse - after so many weeks of being so close together - just the other day - yet again - she told me she wants to break up and hasn't spoken to me since. This is the common pattern that I have often experienced and quite typically within two to three weeks she calls me to come back. And back I do go - but perhaps her calls are based more on the piling up of her laundry than knowing how to be respectful in a committed relationship. Thank you for the advice - and I still seek support and suggestions here. I have very mixed emotions!!!

Kenny, Coming from a brother codependent, I hope this helps... I had a friend whom I loved deeply. She was about 15 years older than I was and thought romantically, I know there was no chance...I valued her friendship and allowed her to use me like no other. She had a boyfriend on and off (mostly off). You know, one of those she claimed to be her soulmate and no matter how horribly he treated her...she would always drop everything to be with him whenever he wanted it. We would make plans to do something and she would cancel 20 minutes before the event telling me that she was going out with her boyfriend. This went so far as to include concerts, shows and other events...all of which I had paid for. The breaker for me was one Halloween (this was my favorite holiday). I worked with latex and made myself to look like the broadway version of The Phantom of the Opera and she was going to be "my Christine". I was dressed and ready to get her and go to a party (it took me 10 hours to do the make-up). When I called to see if she was ready to go...she told me she was not feeling well and she was staying home. I was upset, but went to the party myself. I met up with a few friends there and we had a nice time anyway. After the party, we all went to an area in town where there is an unorganized parade. Everyone basically walks up and down the street showing off their costumes. Needless to say, I got a lot of positive feedback, especially when i took off the white phantom of the opera half mask to show the make-up. While attempting to cross the street, a limo drove slowly past. I stared in the privacy glass window (seeing nothing obviously, except my reflection)...something had drawn me to do that and I took off the white Phantom half mask to show the make-up. It passed and I crossed the street, looking back at the limo as it drove off. I went home at that point...knowing it was going to take an additional 2 hours to remove the make-up. I called my friend the next day to see how she was feeling...she asked how the party was and when I told her how amazing I thought the make-up turned out...she told me that she thought so as well. She told me that she was in the limo that passed me and that she saw me,

CODA is Co-dependants Anonomous. Highly recomended that you look into this. Do a word search on CODA - they have very supportive web-sites. You can email me at kennykap13@yahoo.com if you need any further info in these regards. Good Luck and thanks for your interest here.

Hi Kenny, this must be terrible, writing a one-man-band! This is just the discussion I want too though. It does seem to take ages for anyone to reply! Define "CODA" as interested; me- wife 33 me 28 her o/d 8 days ago & tried to cut herself 1 time. history: used to cut herself & hosp 14 mths & used to want short-term relationships+ o/d's. Married 4 years, good marriage. She- Fluoxetine 3 per day but no effect, Tremazepan you know that sleeping thingy, 2 per night. This helps. She sleeps better. Trying to get into a day clinic centre 7day/wk currently waiting for outcome on that. I've had anger problems + counselling which helped me out- I have been a bit violent- luckily no more- main problem is I think things I've said to her about her weight during our relationship really got her down, the trouble is once said its said & she always thinks I'm better off w/out her. Not true!

Maybe you need couple therapy?

As an update - just trying to give a complete picture here, as to the relationship - we are getting along really great. for the past several weeks now - we are both very content, satisfied and in love with each other. She has been very romantic and physical towards me - although she has displayed no sexual desires, and it should be noted that once again duuring thos cycle - I am yet once again the complete caregiver and given my co-dependent tendencies, although I am at the moment very happy and content, I am concerned as although things are fine at this moment, I suspect given the issues of depression, anxiety, and co-dependency - that perhaps we have not progressed in those regards. I have made little known to me progress in convincing her to perhaps sign onto therapy - and as to myself, I have attended several CODA meetings now - and it has really been an eye opener to me. Would really appreciate some feed back here as I have to imagine that I am not a unique situation here - and given the moment of the present - standing in the peacefulness of the eye of the storm here - I would like to perhaps deal with the issues before the storm once again resumes.