Naa
Well you are right about one thing, my therapist would kick your butt, so would I and if you stuck it out you would thank her for it. I know how hard life can be especially with a child to care for which I was lucky enough to not have to go through with, instead I had arthritis, operations and no help. I had some really bad ups and down, but was never diagnosed with depression, even when the pain was so bad I wanted to die. So I got loaded up with my wheelchair and sent to the psych ward for a change of scene and a rest. And my ass kicked. I had to do my own laundry and change my bed all the time limping around in pain from an infected leg. Celexa didn't stop the panic attacks, I did. It was simple, If I wanted to go home I had to look normal and act normal. So I had to use my skills every day. And it worked, three shrinks looked me over and when they asked if I thought I was fine to go home I said, this is a fine hotel but the bed is lumpy and the food isn't all that great. I got sent home with the determination to make this work and as you can see it did. One thing I learned was that there were people worse than me and if I didn't want to be like them I better work at it.
Tough hey, and not the answer most want to hear. Everyone thinks I have some secret that works but really my secret is believing I have what it takes to make it work. But that isn't enough, you need to know how to make it work and you need to know when you are doing something wrong and you need patience.
Personally I don't think you need pills, I think you need determination. I don't hear you saying I can't take this, my life is killing me, this kid is driving me nuts, give me the pills please give me the pills. I hear your pain but I don't think you have hit bottom yet, I think you can handle a lot more. But you don't have too.
Every time the panic comes ask who is in charge and what can I do to get it back in my control. Skills like temporary avoidance, visualization, (close to the same thing) relaxation. Coping skills like getting mad and telling it to get lost. Accepting it is there but won't be for ever. And of course changing the thought. Like you do with a song you don't want in your head, sing a different tune to get rid of it. There is no difference really, just with panic you have to do it more often to get rid of the conditioning.
I'm not in a wheel chair any more. I'm at home still hobbling around but determined to make the best of it and I never compare myself to others, I am me, I like me and I'm being the best I can be. No sabotaging myself, no leaving cracks the panic can wedge open. It wasn't easy but now bad days are just a nuisance, never the terror they were. Life is good again.
Keep posting, I look forward to hearing you say one day that you beat it and it was worth it.
Davit